Masayume

 Bismillah.

We hiked the Gunung Alai the other day! Yes you heard (or read, to be precise) it right! 

One of my wishlists has always been to hike a mountain, not just the small hills. And I finally did it!💗One wishlist crossed!

There were a total of 18 of us friends so we went there with 4 cars. We started our journey from campus early, some time around 10pm and reached the meeting point at Restoran Kari Kepala Ikan Salim at 1am. I ate two roti canai kosong because one was just not enough to fill my growling stomach. The roti canai was damn good, but the kuah kari is a no-no. 

Aside from us 18 people, we were joined together with 12 strangers along with 3 malim gunung (that's what they call the hiking guides). I spent RM65 for the permit and the malim fees. 

After everyone had arrived, we followed the malims to the designated location. Unlike Berekeh, there wasn't a proper parking space here. It was more like the excess space near the village so I was feeling a bit off at that. If yall are wondering, this village isn't Orang Asli village. 

The hike started at around 2.50 a.m. The earliest group arrived at the peak at 4 a.m. meanwhile me and my gurls and two gentlemen and one malim was the last group to arrive. It was around 6.10 a.m. and the sun had already started to rise :')

Anyway, we were suuuperrrrr thrilled as there were already many people there. A lot of them built their own pacaks to sleep under, but we don't have that so we just chilled on our rubber mat. The weather was extra colddd and I didn't bring my windbreaker so I was the only one hugging myself to keep me warm :') (Sofea lent me hers later though, what a sweet girl). The boys cooked us instant Maggi. Thank you guys!!

There a total of 3 checkpoints before finally reaching the peak. Someone built resting benches out of tree trunks at each of the checkpoint, so it was truly nice to be able to take a breathe after all those sweatings. The hiking difficulty level was moderate, I'd say. I definitely think Berekeh was a lot more difficult as it went like: /\ /\ /\ meanwhile Gunung Alai's trail is mostly what we would call "denai" and landai, something like this: __/ --/

The track was easy and well-identified. Honestly, I think you'd be just fine without a guide. Just be sure to apply for permit at the Jabatan Perhutanan. 

The view you ask? Oh it was top-tier. A whole different level compared to Berekeh and other hills I've hiked before. Here, you can totally see the whole awan karpet. All the clouds were covering the forests and hills and it was SO FREAKIN PRETTY. Subhanallah.

We took LOTS of pictures, but lemme just kept them in my personal files. Can you see the two mountain peaks in the picture? That is Gunung Kerunai (1000m) and Gunung Kenderong (1123m). 

 Bismillah.

The first time I've heard about this book was from an interview video of Lee Nadine, a gorgeous Harvard-student-alias-influencer who starred in the infamous Korean dating variety show for single people; Single's Inferno. She captured the viewers' hearts with her graceful and classy attitude, a demeanor befitting her brilliant mind. When asked about her favourite book, she answered it enthusiastically, even saying she had read it four times.

As she was my idol during that particular time, and also certainly my favourite participant in the show, it was no wonder that I searched the book up on the internet, and quickly added it to my TBR-list.

I meant to read it sooner. However, there were too much of adulting stuffs going on for me at that moment, thus the priority hereby went to the soon-to-be-due-assignments, group projects and meetings. It was hard for me to actually sit down and have my own 'me time'. I finally had the time to read the book after literally wrestled myself to it.

Title: When Breath Becomes Air

Author: Paul Kalanithi

Genre: Autobiography, Memoir

Date of Published: 12th January 2016

Page Count: 256

Publisher: Random House

The book started with a prologue; a 30-year-old-something Paul was flipping through his CT scan images, dressed in not his usual white coat, but a patient's gown. As an accomplished final year neurological resident at Stanford, he knew at the first glance of what it was. Six months before, he started experiencing the symptoms: losing weight and ferocious back pain. 

He continued to tell the story in his point of view. The first part of the story recounts on his glorious days before he discovered he had stage four lung cancer. In the second part, Paul narrates his story and his views on life, as both a doctor and patient. The book ended with an epilogue, written by his beloved wife, Lucy.

No words could describe how reading this book was literally a life-changing experience. It got me sobbing on my knees, screaming my heart out and undoubtedly left me questioning my life decisions.

Seriously though, how could a book make you cry THIS MUCH? The only time you would find me not crying would be from that one scene when Paul became a spider man-which was not in this universe-so nope, no no-crying happened. (ugh do u get it?)

To read this book is to read about a great man who achieved everything in his life, dying with his family by his side, on his journey to face death. It is also equally important to read in this beautifully-written memoir about the resilience and what makes life meaningful enough to go on living. Paul, in writing his story not just as a cancer patient but also how he saw life as before and after the devastating news. Before the news he was always a strong man, doing surgeries for tens of hours and dedicating life to medicine. But what happens after he started to feel those pain? The kind of pain he really knew about (after all, his patients used different words to describe it) but he never actually knew what it felt like. What happens to life after cancer changed his world. It was a long haul, long struggle full of tears and pain and therapy. His story reminds us that in chasing for our dreams, don't forget to look back and walk shoulder-to-shoulder, fingers interlocked with your loved ones, for no one can tell the future.

Some of the excerpts/quotes I figured would you even more intrigued about the book:

 Bismillah.

Awal semester haritu aku and the gang were too bored with our single life. Jadi Anas called me up one day and asked if I wanna go hiking. Destinasi yang dipersetujui pada awalnya ialah Gunung Kerunai, salah satu gunung yang memberikan pemandangan sangat indah di atas puncak. Aku setuju ja, sebab tak pernah hike lagi Gunung Kerunai.

Tapi malangnya plan Kerunai terpaksa cancel sebab nak naik Kerunai perlu menggunakan kenderaan 4x4. Dan tentunya pendakian Kerunai turut memerlukan hiking guide because none of us have experienced hiking there so we don't know the route and also we were worried about our safety issue.

Jadi destinasi hiking terpaksa ditukar kepada Bukit Berekeh. Walaupun pendakian Bukit Berekeh turut dilakukan pada waktu malam (3 pagi to be more accurate), tapi tak menjadi masalah kerana aku dan Ainul dah pernah mendaki Berekeh sebelum ni. So there is no problem about safety/route etc.

Jadi bersiap-siaplah kami berempat yang terdiri daripada aku, Ainul, Anas dan Sofea. Kami memulakan perjalanan dari kampus lebih kurang jam 12.30 malam, dan tiba di Orang Asli One Stop Centre (OAOSC) lebih kurang jam 2 pagi. 

Kat OAOSC tu memang selesa. Ada tempat parking, tandas dan surau. Kebersihan pun memang tiptop. Korang tak perlu risau.

Selepas ambil wuduk, siapkan kelengkapan dan lain-lain, maka berjalanlah kami berempat dari OAOSC ke titik mula pendakian. Kami akan solat Subuh di atas sana, dan untuk memudahkan, kami akan jaga wuduk.

 Bismillah.

Okay this is a hard one. But we gotta try yeah?

And I know it was supposed to be 10 things to list down, but my brain is not braining. So here is the list of 5 things of my likings and dislikings.

5 Likes

1) Tomyam

I love LOVE tomyam. The word love itself isn't enough. If I could marry tomyam, believe me babe, I would. There is something so intoxicating- so tempting- with the flavour. Sweet? Yes. Sour? You got it. Spicy? Ughhh say no moreeeee. I love any kinds of tomyams (I don't discriminate by colours) - the white tomyam, the orange tomyam, seafood, chicken -

2) Books

LOL. As if this isn't clear enough. I love the books, the covers, THE SMELL. God ughhh. Especially the old book smell. Can't get enough of it.

3) Hiking

This is one of the activities I found to my liking during my study. I can't believe how eager I am to hike something 400+ meters? And it has inclination too? God my body would say no but my soul is too hyper for this. If you haven't tried hiking, I like to suggest it. Such a good way to spend time with no payment. Being one with nature=complete life goodness.

4) Chocolates

Anything chocolatey and sweety, I'm all up for it.

5) Lego

These days, you can find my Shopee carts full of Lego toys. Cheap ones, of course. I find joy and tranquility in assembling each part. And when it was fully assembled and becomes one piece, I would arrange them on my bookshelf. Oh I have a whole collection of Lego from Ecoshop and Shopee.

5 Dislikes

1) Calculus

Calculus is part of maths, right. I used to be so freaking invested in maths. Like, you give people 268 apples, someone give X apples, you plant your own apples and in a year how much apple you have? I used to get excited at finding the X and the Y. **keyword is 'used to'** But the excitement was long gone now. Calculus and degree stuff makes me run at 200km/h at the word 'calculate'. I guess I will always miss the old me who would make her mum buys extra math practices books and finish them all in a week. Sorry 8 year-old me, sorry to disappoint.

2) Squid

When I was little, I would puke everytime I ate squids. It's not that I have allergic, no I don't. I just couldn't accept the taste of the springy stuff. I'm much better tolerating it now that I'm older. I can eat it but I don't prefer to.

3) Feminism

I'm not even in the mood to discuss about this topic so let just stop here.

4) Heels

I bought a pair of heels back in July/August. It was real pretty, cream beige colour. And it was 50% off so it was cheap cheap! I wore it twice only so far, and the longest I was in was for 4 hours. Later that night my feet ache so badly I couldn't sleep. What a shame beauty has to be painful.

 

  Bismillah.

Kinda clueless on how to start this one. Well, if we're talking about my favourite book, I wouldn't know for sure to be honest. I mean, I've read many books, so how am I supposed to pick one? How can you choose?

I've got a lot of books I've loved, hated, did not finish, cringed, and 'loved but then i hated it the second time i read it'. But when talking about favourites, which also correlates to love, I do have a few in my mind.

Let me present to you....... one of my top 10 best favourite books of all time. 

The title is so fetch, I know.

I remember buying this book during Big Bad Wolf at my hometown. It was my first BBW so I was rambang mata on what to buy because there's just too many books!

Came across this one and I immediately fell in love with the title. Well it's not everyday you see a book that gives off "hey you wanna kill your life? no not yourself. i mean your life. here's some tips" kinda vibe. It's literally giving "i'm a bitch and i'm hot and sexy".

So I paid at the counter, went home and read the book, and once again was shocked and fell in love all over again.

To talk about this book I have to introduce you to the author. This book is a memoir, or what some would call an autobiography fiction. The author, Cat Marnell, is a fashion and beauty journalist. In the early part of the book, we got to know the childhood story of Cat. She has a sister, and parents who are also happen to be psychiatrists. 

This is a story of her life as a drug addict.

Now, this book receives so much criticism and applause due to the open views and sharing on her being a drug addict. Readers would learn how she started from being a top academic scorer - to getting expelled - to landing a job at beauty magazine - to getting rehab - to back at work again - and relapse - and suicidal - and finally getting better living with her parents again. Add all kinds of drugs to her life equation; soft drugs, hard drugs, and boom congratulations! You have learnt about Cat Marnell's life.

To escape her abusive dad, she went to a boarding school. At first she find it hard to keep up with the study. Until one of her friends introduced her to Ritalin (a type of ADHD drug). She started asking her father for the drug to keep her academic performance. And this was how she started getting involved with drugs.

Later in her adult life, she met friends whom have furthered influenced her in the nightlife, club, and of course, hardcore drugs. But she landed a good job. She was talented in networking and journalism and lucky her, she got a job at a beauty magazine. However, she soon failed to manage her busy work properly as the drug had influenced her too much. She struggled to juggle between drugs and work, work and drugs. Finally, she succumbed to her boss and parents' persuasion to attend rehabs. Until as of 2022, she is doing much better.

One of the scenes that stuck in my mind the most is during her time as Associate Beauty Editor. She appeared at work in the morning with messy hair, sunken eyes, feet bleeding from stepping on shards of glass (i don't remember how the incident happened), wearing ballerina shoes, and yes, definitely a little high. Everyone looks in her direction with concern but she waved them off saying she's definitely fine.

This book is on my top 10 list for a few reasons.

1) It introduces me to drugs (lmaooo don't take this in a negative way). But really. I knew more about Ritalin, Adderall, and that you COULD NOT supposed to be addicted to Adderall (but she did). 

2) Friends have a huge influence. Cat met awesome people when she moved to NYC, but she also become friends with the wrong group. One friend introduces her to nightlife, another shares their drugs, another taught her how to get the most 'highest' feeling with mixing alcohol and drugs and even robbed her apartment. I have to say, her life would be better had she befriended the right circle.

3) She did good. She fall into the darkness, she fought her way back, she relapsed again. But the important thing is she didn't give up. Sure, she messed up a lot. But she also realized that and reached for help. Inspiring woman.

4) The writing was good. Once you read it, you cannot put it down. Trust me.

I believe that's it for this entry. I've written a lot, and I'm happy everyone gets to know about Cat Marnell. Till then, byebyee! :))

 Bismillah.

I know I wasn't active here. Most of the times I wanna get back to writing blogs but my procrastination gets the better of me. Plus, I don't know what to write heh

Hence why this post exists. To promote my *hard work of coming up with cool topics* October Writing Challenge. It's not exactly a challenge, actually. More like a list of writing ideas but anyway.

And don't come at me saying October has 31 days, yes I know that. I'm just too lazy to arrange the boxes accordingly >,<

To be honest, I know my blog traffic ain't much and my followers barely 100. Heck, I don't think anyone reads my blog. But if any of you DID read this peashy nuubies blog, do drop a comment in the chatbox. Or maybe if you are interested in participating in this writing challenge..... if you'd like to.... **bubble eyes**

 Bismillah.

Babee it's been a looooonggg time since I joined a blog giveaway. But here we goooooo!

**click the picture to join**

**please bagi saya menang** wink wink*

 Bismillah.

At the start of our new semester, my friends and I accidentally went on a VERY VERY impromptu trip. Guess where? It's the one and only, PENANG.

It was sudden actually. I was chilling in my room on a Wednesday evening scrolling tiktok before Anas called me. She just said casually, "hey you wanna go to Penang? We can... I don't know, visit Nas and Intan maybe?"

Of course I had to say yes (I never said no to people). We've been to Perlis, Cameron Highlands, some parts of Kedah and a few places here and there in KL, but we've never been to Penang. It was Penang peeps. How could we never go there once during our whole 3 years of study?

So Yumna bought bus tickets for the five of us. The plan was, we'd hopped on the night Friday bus, then Nad and Intan (our friends who are doing internship) would come and pick us up. Stayed a night at Nad's expensive apartment, then spent the rest of the weekends playing tourist.

We did plan our itinerary though. But we're only humans (Alexa play Human by Christina Perri), and our planning didn't exactly go accordingly.

But it's okay, we had our fun and our utmost time there <3

So if you've never been to Penang, this blog post is dedicated FOR YOU.

1) Restoran Biru-biru

This restaurant is probably one of the most beach-y restaurant I've ever been to in my life. It was the best! From the food, the decorations, the interiors and the scenery... Everything is purrfecc.

 

In the morning when I open my eyes,

No text messages, no assignments due, 

No gatherings and no lunch date,

I find myself hunched back over the large teddy,

Wiping away the nonexistent tear,

Forcing myself to stay awake,

Whispering to my heart,

"It's okay, today is a different day".

At the corner of the room,

I look over the window,

There are couples giggling and holding hands,

Friends chattering their life updates,

Strangers, cycling or walking,

And my being trapped here in this room,

Wanting to go out but also not wanting to go,

Soul as dry as a laundry you dry under the sun,

Eyes empty as the Maggi cup you finished eating,

Heart as heavy as the weight of this land,

And I still watch people from the window of my room,

Hugging myself as the darkness swallow me whole.

I am but a flower,

Flower grows as bud and blooms before wilts,

I haven't grown anything I just wilt,

Flower breathes out sweet scents and radiant colours,

I don't and my life is a different hues of grey each day,

You give people flowers and they will smile,

You give people myself and they will walk away disgusted,

Flowers burnt if touched fire,

I burnt, but no fire to be seen,

Continuously, endlessly,

Falling to the ground,

Waiting for my time to turn to dirt.

I find no purpose in my living,

Daily life feels void and hard,

Nothing to look forward to,

No one cares if I am here or there,

No one cares if I live or die.

    - my life as it has been in the recent time, 24/9/2023 -

 Bismillah.

[A long overdue post]

How do I start this thing off eh, I wonder. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Mostly it's due to life doing its wonderful work of driving me to the edge of the cliff, had me in chokehold and push me off. I am in my early 20s, but God forbid me having an easy life. My mind couldn't recall the details of how it started, but I remember the feeling of helplessness washed over me every now and then. Even in times I reached out for help, it still hold onto me, like a baby who won't let go of his favourite toy. It comes to me in the morning when I wake up, and hug me at night until I sleep. If this feeling was a person, he'd be my jailer. 

In my earlier days when I was a child, I was one what you could call a golden child. One who got perfect attendance at school not because her parents forced her but due to her own diligence. The one who would raise her hand at the speed of lightning to answer the multiplication questions on the whiteboard. The one who would, even break her neck just to argue with the teacher on some grammatical language disagreement. Yup, I kid you not. I did just that. 

Because I love studying. Loved. 

Studying and being in class and asking questions I don't know and solving maths equations were once my favourite thing to do. Mum told me I used to do a LOT of practice equations at home (aside from schoolwork). Can you imagine that was how I used to be? Oh God. I am laughing hard right now.

Now I find the slightest academical-related thing suffocates me.

How did it go to this?

I hate waking up in the morning, walking to class and listening to lectures and stuffs I don't even understand. It's hard to comprehend how I ended up like this. It's even harder to understand why it is so hard to actually understand all the subjects I took.

There's no counting how many times I've thought about death, really. Academics validation is what I crave, the only thing keeping me afloat and making me feel as if my existence on this planet actually matters. Like I am actually worth all these oxygens and space and time. But when my academics go downhill, with no A's and excellent results to prove it, my mind went berserk. My heart palpitating so wild. I got social anxiety. It feels like everywhere I go, people will look at me in disgust. When I talk to others, I get this these thoughts running in my mind. "Do they like me? Do they think I'm stupid? Do they know my grades? Do they know I always get low scores in test and exams? Do they think I don't deserve to talk to them?"

What if I stay quiet? What if I keep my head low until all I see is ground? Would they be okay? They would then be glad, wouldn't they?

What about my mum? Is she disappointed in me? What does she think of me? An ungrateful, stupid, stone-headed daughter who is struggling in her study? Would she be glad if I die?

No kidding, really. I've looked for places around my university campus; a nice abandoned place for me to die. I don't want a flashy death or people making fuss about it, because then people would realize my existence. I don't want people to talk "oh that girl who died, what is her grade?" "poor girl died because of her low grades.". I don't want people to even know I died. Let my existence cease to oblivion.

I thought the lake near the swamp would be nice. There aren't many people go there especially during the evenings. I could go in there, drown and people probably wouldn't even realize it until, like, 3 weeks. Maybe if my body got eaten by the fish and didn't float, no one would ever know I'm gone.

Sad? Nah, I think it's a good type of death. 

But the lake was shallow. I tried go in there once, and it was real shallow. 

In addition, to die means you need to have the courage. I gathered up all my courage in my bones, but still couldn't get this all over with.

I'm tired. I kept thinking I don't worth anything.

I knew I should've gotten some help so I tried talking to a counsellor. My university counsellor to be precise. She was wonderful and breathe some life back into me. But she went on maternal leave after that so I was left alone again.

"Try talking to your friends," people said that all the time.

You know how hard it is confiding in friends and family? To pour out all your insecurities and lay bare naked. And you can't even trust people. Trust me, I did that my whole life and what do I get in return? Betrayal. They will tell others your darkest secrets, though you literally pleaded them not to. They would call you names behind your back. But it wasn't their fault. It was your fault for believing in them. For being a fool.

I think this is it for now. Thanks for reading all the way down. I always felt it was better to talk to strangers than people I know.

 Bismillah.

P18 (for people 18 years old and above only)

Trigger Warning: nudity, graphic, suicide

    It was my first time in Mytown Kuala Lumpur the other day, some time around June. My friends and I went there after tiring ourselves out at the Energy Asia 2023 Exhibition in KLCC. Had a fun and wonderful time wandering around and chit-chatting with company executives and picking up the goodies they gave out. The atmosphere was buzzing and lit and full of striking decorations.

    Being my usual booknerd, I knew that I just had to visit the Bookexcess store. To my surprise, it was nothing like any of the bookstores I had seen before. It was stunning and perfect, like the way you walk down on the aisle on your wedding day and thought the peony flowers are just rightly placed and in just the right colours.