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    [might contain spoiler]




    Theme: Classics, Young Adult, Coming-of-age
    First published in 1951


    The Catcher in the Rye tells the story of Holden Caulfield, a teenage boy who got himself sacked out of school after flunking four subjects. Christmas vacation wasn't due in a few days, and he didn't feel like telling his parents anyway, so he packed his bags and wandered around the New York city. This story entails his thoughts and the people he met in the span of the few nights; his teacher Mr Spencer, a classmate's mother on the train, girls in the club, a prostitute, his old friend Sally, a senior at his old school Carl Luce, his little sister Phoebe, and Mr Antolini.


    Personal thoughts:

    It was very boring, to be honest. I bought a copy from a gal on Threads for cheap and I didn't even know what it was about. But I've heard of the title, and it's a famous book, so I thought "why not give it a try". Fair to say I don't like the story. It was too plain to my liking.

    To start off, I think the writing prose is fine. It's written in the post-WWII era therefore the language is easy to understand. None of those poetic and formal dialogues stuff. A lot of slangs were used, too. As this is written in the POV of a teenager, I can say the writer did a good job in capturing the essence of a teenager's mind; fiery but scared, wanting to look cool, slightly nerdy and his thoughts an array of scattered contradictions.

    As I said, the story is too plain and this is clearly a matter of preference, I must say. I had always enjoyed books with climactic and dramatic stories with a good plot twist and a little spilt blood here and there. Books where they always had something going on every page. 

    But there are good bits of this book that I actually like. I love learning new words and slangs they used. Some of the peculiar ones I found in particular: 

    dough -> a slang for money, existed since early 1900s.
    crook -> thieves, con artist, dishonest people
    undertaking parlors -> funeral homes
    horsing around -> fooling around, behaving in a silly way
    can -> slang for toilet/bathroom
    sock/take a sock -> hit, punch
    flit -> gay
    cold as a witch's teat

    About Holden, I think of him as an immature boy, slightly in the average social teenage class; not too nerdy and definitely not hot, thinks everyone else is a phony, full of contradictions; he said one thing and did another, acting all tough but in reality he's just a lonely guy. He had two older brothers; one is alive and well writing scripts for Hollywood, another is dead, and a younger sister Phoebe whom he adored a lot. 


    Addressing other claims about the book:

    I've seen a lot of reviews saying this book is revolutionary and rebellious, and I personally DO NOT understand which part of it is revolutionary lol. People saying they are "blown away" and that the only good thing in their life is that they read this book......... bro bffr



    Some says it's philosophical-ish how Holden represent every other child in this world who got betrayed by authorities and adults and learning how to take his steps in this cruel world, all while carrying the grief of losing his brother. 

    I mean......... this is where I said it's really a matter of people's preferences. Because wdym it's philosophical..... It's really just a story about Holden. Stop reading too much into it lol. This kinda reminds me of that joke where we would learn poems in English class and the teacher said "look at the first line 'the sky is blue'. blue here means the poet's sorrow of his wife's death" all the while what the poet actually meant by 'the sky is blue' is probably that 'the sky is blue'.


    The book had previously been banned and restricted in America due to its references to sexual exploration, swear words, promoting bad behaviour (smoking, drinking), contained anti-authoritarian motives and mental health exploration.

    How do one decide to ban a book? Is this common in America or other parts of the world too? I honestly can't imagine banning this book. There are other books you should ban, had you think if it's 'too woke'. But this? This is the opposite of whatever the reason.

    Sexual exploration? The book only mentions Holden wanted to have sex, but chickened out soon after. It doesn't even contain explicit scenes. Swear words? The worst he said was 'bastard' if that's even an insult. But I getddit, the 50s were different. The anti-authoritarian part? Laughable. No one who read the book would suddenly declare a war with the government. Wouldn't even cross their mind. Mental health exploration? Not really. It was insinuated that he was grieving his brother's death, but that's as far as it is. But okay, I will concur on this one.


    All in all, I think a specific audience would enjoy this book. I wouldn't say it's a bad book. Nope, just bad for me. And if you're thinking of reading, ummmmmmm I would say......... a BIG NO LOL. There are better books out there.



    Continue Reading

     

    Bismillah.





    I know it's already the end of February, but you know what they said >,< it's better late than nevahhhhh

    Let's do my 2025 reading wrapped! 


    In 2025, my goal was to read a total of 31 books, and it had to have at least one non-fiction book. And I did it! Yeayy!!




    I have been enjoying reading books since I was 5, and back in primary school, I was wholly devoted to my buku NILAM. Literally won't go anywhere without it. I loved the ritual of excitedly finishing a book and having a sense of pride seeing the pages all filled up (yes I'm a nerd like that). However as I grew into my teenage years and adulthood, I sort of forgot the introspective action of documenting your reads and jotting down your inner thoughts. It's honestly such a good way to not only remember what kind of books you've read, but also to understand yourself and build your own character and mind. 

    Since around 2021 or so, I started tracking my reading again, cause I felt like I wasn't reading much and my love for books faded a bit. Sometimes, I stayed consistent with all the trackings. Some other times, and perhaps most of the times, I forgot about this hobby of mine and drifted away lolll.

    Anyway, 2025 was the year I actually stayed trulllyyyy on track. Well, I got strayed some mid-year, but I managed to achieve the target nonetheless!

    To get down to it, let's start with my best and worst read of the year:
     



    I honestly never have read anything as complete as The Woman Destroyed. I really ought to make a separate post about this book, but if you're curious, it is comprised of 3 short stories about womanhood. The first one, a woman and her husband in their 60s, narrated in her POV, as they faced the challenging phase of parenthood; their son having a different opinion from them, and how she felt like her husband no longer loves her. The second story is called The Monologue but I dislike it so much so let's not bother about it. The last short story, The Woman Destroyed, is about the wife being cheated on by her husband. She allows him to continue the affair, clinging to the comfort of self-deception, telling herself  that 'he will return to her'. Eventually, the affair consumes her being and sense of self and she ended up.... a wreck. Her story is not a pitiful one, I gather, but rather a tragic portrait of what happens when we abandon our own clarity and self-respect for the illusion of love.

    Meanwhile we have The Housemaid is Watching as my worst read. It is the final installment in The Housemaid trilogy. It was soooo baddddd everything felt like they have no idea what they are doing and just put pieces and bits together and pray to God it's be okay. It was not.



    My most read authors! I have always known Agatha Christie, but I had never read her works until last year. They are brilliant.


    To summarize quickly my reading journey in 2025:



    For this year, my reading goal is:

    1) To read 35 books including non-fiction.

    Why 35? It's just a random number. I thought we should always strive to be better when determining our goals, so ideally the number should be above 31. 32 felt such a lazy goal. I have to be much, much better than that. But it also has to stay realistic so I settle with 35.

    2) To read more diverse genre

    As I realize I stick way too much to detective books, the only way for me to actually grow is to leave my comfort zone. I'm thinking of trying books in the genres I dreaded: classics, fantasy and sci-fi. Let's see how it's gonna turn out.

    3) To read books from at least 5 different countries

    When I read The Bastard of Istanbul last year, it made me ashamed to how oblivious I was to the histories and cultures of people all over the world. This was the book that made me goes "oh wow I never knew I was this shallow" in regards to my shallow thinking of the order of this world. 

    For instance, did you know that the Ottoman Empire convicted the act of genocide against Armenian peple in 1915-1917? Over 1,000,000 Armenian people were deported out of their homes and sent on death marches to the Syrian desert. And yet, the Turkish government dares to deny this to this day.



    That's all for my reading goals 2026. I didn't wanna be unrealistic and set too much goals and sub-goals and whatever, so I hope I manage to achieve it this year.



    Continue Reading

     Bismillah.




    Title: Earthlings
    Author: Sayaka Murata
    Translator: Ginny Tapley Takemori
    Genre: Contemporary
    Published: 2018
    Rating: 5 stars



    TRIGGER WARNING: mention of sexual assault/gore/abuse/childhood trauma

    I loved Convenience Store Woman so much, that I ended up reading another book of Sayaka Murata. The most memorable thing about her books are complicated, twisted characters that you couldn't help but feel drawn to.


    **this part might contain spoiler**

    In this book, we follow the journey of the narrator, Natsuki since she was 11 years old. She was sexual abused by her teacher, the least liked in her family. She was everything lesser than her older sister. Nothing she did seems right, whether studying hard at school or just being quiet in the house.

    Every year, she always look forward to spending the summer in her grandma's house in the mountains of Nagano. Her cousin, Yuu, also mentally abused by his mother after losing his dad, was the only one nice to her. Convinced both of them were aliens stuck on this Earth, they married each other and promised to survive until the next time they see each other again.

    Some things happened and after that, Natsuki wasn't allowed to go back to Nagano.

    Things didn't get easy when she grew up either. Being an 'alien', it's hard to fit into the human species. People said she needed to get married. So she went on the internet, find a contractual husband and got married. Then soon enough people asked when are you going to have kids? 


    I was attracted to the cover. Such a cute hedgehog, what harm could it bring? But of course, it wouldn't be Sayaka Murata if the characters are not **slightly not right up in the head**. 

    The usage of first person POV as the voice of the book was excellent, as it highlights the way Natsuki saw this world. At first I thought this book was just a cute first love/childhood story.... it turns out 360 degrees totally different. Really, whatever expectation you have in mind, it's the opposite of it. 

    I particularly loved when the reality and fantasy world became intertwined (the teacher scene almost killed my sanity), the distinction faded away, making me question what the hell did i just read, reading the same parts over and over again just to make sure my brain was right.

    When trying to fit into the human society was becoming too much, Natsuki, her husband and Yuu went back to Nagano, trying to escape the society. The ending was beyond shocking, and almost too cruel to read. But it was addicting, watching how Natsuki went from an innocent girl with cute imaginary world to an adult who...... well, mentally not right. As it is written in first person POV, as I have mentioned earlier, it was thrilling to listen to her inner voice and her brain. 

    As for the parts that I don't like about this book............. well, I couldn't think of any. Strong premise, complex characters, excellently written plot, jaw-dropping ending. What more could a reader ask for?





    Definitely recommended. Everyone should definitely read this at least once in their life (trigger warning still applied).



    Continue Reading

     

    Bismillah.



    Title: Convenience Store Woman

    Author: Sayaka Murata

    Synopsis (copied from Goodreads): 

    Convenience Store Woman is the heartwarming and surprising story of thirty-six-year-old Tokyo resident Keiko Furukura.

    Keiko has never fit in, neither in her family, nor in school, but when at the age of eighteen she begins working at the Hiiromachi branch of “Smile Mart,” she finds peace and purpose in her life. In the store, unlike anywhere else, she understands the rules of social interaction―many are laid out line by line in the store’s manual―and she does her best to copy the dress, mannerisms, and speech of her colleagues, playing the part of a “normal” person excellently, more or less. Keiko is very happy, but the people close to her, from her family to her coworkers, increasingly pressure her to find a husband, and to start a proper career, prompting her to take desperate action.



    Personal Review [contain spoilers]:

    This book tells the dark reality of our society from the perspective of Keiko Furukura. She was a strange one, always the odd one in the world full of 'normal' people. She lived her life by manuals. It wasn't specified in the novel, but it is possible to assume she might be somewhere on the autistic spectrum.

    In our society, it would be considered she is weird, she couldn't understand why people buried the dead bird when they could've eaten it instead. She hit the boys in her class with a shovel when other people screamed to stop them fighting so ever since then she kept her mouth shut. She thought it was better that way. Her thoughts and actions didn't seem to align with 'normal' people.

    So what did she do? She started to reject herself, forced to keep her mouth shut. No unasked opinions, no thinking at all. Just follow as all the other people do.

    There was never a place that makes her feel enough nor wanted until she land herself a part time job at the convenience store. Being a store worker is easy. Just follow the manuals given and she'll be fine. When it's a rainy day, the sandwiches and onigiris sell faster. When it's hot people would want to buy cold drinks so be sure to stock enough of them on the fridge. This was her place. Finally, a place she belongs to. A place anyone wouldn't be able to figure her odd self.

    Now, 18 years later, still at the same job, the social pressure started to sink in as she realized store workers are replaceable. If we are 'broken' or considered no longer useful for the store, we would have gotten sacked. She feared her time would soon come. 

    When she met Shiraha, a lazy, self-victimizing guy who gaslighted her into living rent-free in her apartment, she started receiving compliments from others around her for the first time. 

    "You got a boyfriend? Finally!"
    "I thought it was strange how you never fall in love. I knew you could do it!"

    At this point of the story, I was frustrated with her but I know it wasn't her fault. Shiraha was living off her minimum wage. She worked everyday even on the weekend to earn more money for the both of them while that asshole guy slept and watched movies all day.

    Of course in real life, you'd seen this type of guy very often. So typical description of what Malays called 'biawak hidup'.

    At first, letting Shiraha lived off her and going around telling others that she was finally living with a man, people complimented her and she once again felt safe and fit the society standards. Then, trouble started rolling in as it turned out Shiraha was not only a lazy guy, but he also didn't pay for his previous rent, a narcisstic, lied about their relationship and even looked down on Furukura. I was PISSEDDD because bij, look in the mirror pls.

    But of course Furukura didn't mind that guy because in her mind, it was necessary to keep him around for her to fit into the society.

    Finally, the final plot of the story, Shiraha told her to resign and find regular jobs that could feed both of them (the audacity???). She did as he told. Since then, she felt like losing her purpose of life. All her life, for 18 years, she dedicated her body and time for the convenience store. She kept her nails short and hair in natural colour. But now she didn't know when is the right time to go to sleep. She only got up from her bed to eat.

    When she finally went out after weeks of staying at home for a job interview, she saw a convenience store nearby. She went in, and there it goes: the smell, the tills, the sandwich and bread displays, the fridge. For once, not according to life manual or society standards, she decided for herself, that she wanted to get a job as a store keeper. 




    The ending was super nice. We saw how pressured she felt as she had to present her 'normal' self in front of others. When she finally broke free from it, I was TEARFUL. I can't believe I was rooting for a fictional character this much.

    Rating: 5 STARSS DEFINITELYYY

    The writing style is very simple and on point. This was my first time reading Sayaka Murata, and honestly, I love it so much. It fits perfectly with this kind of character, who doesn't think much and only say the necessary stuffs.

    I'm looking forward to read more of her works ^^


    Recommended? YESSS PLEASE GO READ IT YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED.

    Honestly, being an adult is hard. As we went on with the flow of life, sometimes we don't know what path should we take nor if we are doing it correctly. Will people be satisfied if I earn this much? Is it okay if I stay unmarried for the rest of my life? As we get older these questions are unavoidable. We kept questioning ourselves, losing faith in everything. This was the issue the author wanted to address on. 



    Continue Reading

     Bismillah.


    The first time I've heard about this book was from an interview video of Lee Nadine, a gorgeous Harvard-student-alias-influencer who starred in the infamous Korean dating variety show for single people; Single's Inferno. She captured the viewers' hearts with her graceful and classy attitude, a demeanor befitting her brilliant mind. When asked about her favourite book, she answered it enthusiastically, even saying she had read it four times.

    As she was my idol during that particular time, and also certainly my favourite participant in the show, it was no wonder that I searched the book up on the internet, and quickly added it to my TBR-list.

    I meant to read it sooner. However, there were too much of adulting stuffs going on for me at that moment, thus the priority hereby went to the soon-to-be-due-assignments, group projects and meetings. It was hard for me to actually sit down and have my own 'me time'. I finally had the time to read the book after literally wrestled myself to it.




    Title: When Breath Becomes Air

    Author: Paul Kalanithi

    Genre: Autobiography, Memoir

    Date of Published: 12th January 2016

    Page Count: 256

    Publisher: Random House


    The book started with a prologue; a 30-year-old-something Paul was flipping through his CT scan images, dressed in not his usual white coat, but a patient's gown. As an accomplished final year neurological resident at Stanford, he knew at the first glance of what it was. Six months before, he started experiencing the symptoms: losing weight and ferocious back pain. 

    He continued to tell the story in his point of view. The first part of the story recounts on his glorious days before he discovered he had stage four lung cancer. In the second part, Paul narrates his story and his views on life, as both a doctor and patient. The book ended with an epilogue, written by his beloved wife, Lucy.

    No words could describe how reading this book was literally a life-changing experience. It got me sobbing on my knees, screaming my heart out and undoubtedly left me questioning my life decisions.

    Seriously though, how could a book make you cry THIS MUCH? The only time you would find me not crying would be from that one scene when Paul became a spider man-which was not in this universe-so nope, no no-crying happened. (ugh do u get it?)

    To read this book is to read about a great man who achieved everything in his life, dying with his family by his side, on his journey to face death. It is also equally important to read in this beautifully-written memoir about the resilience and what makes life meaningful enough to go on living. Paul, in writing his story not just as a cancer patient but also how he saw life as before and after the devastating news. Before the news he was always a strong man, doing surgeries for tens of hours and dedicating life to medicine. But what happens after he started to feel those pain? The kind of pain he really knew about (after all, his patients used different words to describe it) but he never actually knew what it felt like. What happens to life after cancer changed his world. It was a long haul, long struggle full of tears and pain and therapy. His story reminds us that in chasing for our dreams, don't forget to look back and walk shoulder-to-shoulder, fingers interlocked with your loved ones, for no one can tell the future.

    Some of the excerpts/quotes I figured would you even more intrigued about the book:









    Continue Reading

      Bismillah.




    Kinda clueless on how to start this one. Well, if we're talking about my favourite book, I wouldn't know for sure to be honest. I mean, I've read many books, so how am I supposed to pick one? How can you choose?

    I've got a lot of books I've loved, hated, did not finish, cringed, and 'loved but then i hated it the second time i read it'. But when talking about favourites, which also correlates to love, I do have a few in my mind.

    Let me present to you....... one of my top 10 best favourite books of all time. 





    The title is so fetch, I know.

    I remember buying this book during Big Bad Wolf at my hometown. It was my first BBW so I was rambang mata on what to buy because there's just too many books!

    Came across this one and I immediately fell in love with the title. Well it's not everyday you see a book that gives off "hey you wanna kill your life? no not yourself. i mean your life. here's some tips" kinda vibe. It's literally giving "i'm a bitch and i'm hot and sexy".

    So I paid at the counter, went home and read the book, and once again was shocked and fell in love all over again.

    To talk about this book I have to introduce you to the author. This book is a memoir, or what some would call an autobiography fiction. The author, Cat Marnell, is a fashion and beauty journalist. In the early part of the book, we got to know the childhood story of Cat. She has a sister, and parents who are also happen to be psychiatrists. 


    This is a story of her life as a drug addict.

    Now, this book receives so much criticism and applause due to the open views and sharing on her being a drug addict. Readers would learn how she started from being a top academic scorer - to getting expelled - to landing a job at beauty magazine - to getting rehab - to back at work again - and relapse - and suicidal - and finally getting better living with her parents again. Add all kinds of drugs to her life equation; soft drugs, hard drugs, and boom congratulations! You have learnt about Cat Marnell's life.

    To escape her abusive dad, she went to a boarding school. At first she find it hard to keep up with the study. Until one of her friends introduced her to Ritalin (a type of ADHD drug). She started asking her father for the drug to keep her academic performance. And this was how she started getting involved with drugs.

    Later in her adult life, she met friends whom have furthered influenced her in the nightlife, club, and of course, hardcore drugs. But she landed a good job. She was talented in networking and journalism and lucky her, she got a job at a beauty magazine. However, she soon failed to manage her busy work properly as the drug had influenced her too much. She struggled to juggle between drugs and work, work and drugs. Finally, she succumbed to her boss and parents' persuasion to attend rehabs. Until as of 2022, she is doing much better.

    One of the scenes that stuck in my mind the most is during her time as Associate Beauty Editor. She appeared at work in the morning with messy hair, sunken eyes, feet bleeding from stepping on shards of glass (i don't remember how the incident happened), wearing ballerina shoes, and yes, definitely a little high. Everyone looks in her direction with concern but she waved them off saying she's definitely fine.

    This book is on my top 10 list for a few reasons.

    1) It introduces me to drugs (lmaooo don't take this in a negative way). But really. I knew more about Ritalin, Adderall, and that you COULD NOT supposed to be addicted to Adderall (but she did). 

    2) Friends have a huge influence. Cat met awesome people when she moved to NYC, but she also become friends with the wrong group. One friend introduces her to nightlife, another shares their drugs, another taught her how to get the most 'highest' feeling with mixing alcohol and drugs and even robbed her apartment. I have to say, her life would be better had she befriended the right circle.

    3) She did good. She fall into the darkness, she fought her way back, she relapsed again. But the important thing is she didn't give up. Sure, she messed up a lot. But she also realized that and reached for help. Inspiring woman.

    4) The writing was good. Once you read it, you cannot put it down. Trust me.


    I believe that's it for this entry. I've written a lot, and I'm happy everyone gets to know about Cat Marnell. Till then, byebyee! :))











    Continue Reading

     Bismillah.

    P18 (for people 18 years old and above only)

    Trigger Warning: nudity, graphic, suicide

        It was my first time in Mytown Kuala Lumpur the other day, some time around June. My friends and I went there after tiring ourselves out at the Energy Asia 2023 Exhibition in KLCC. Had a fun and wonderful time wandering around and chit-chatting with company executives and picking up the goodies they gave out. The atmosphere was buzzing and lit and full of striking decorations.

        Being my usual booknerd, I knew that I just had to visit the Bookexcess store. To my surprise, it was nothing like any of the bookstores I had seen before. It was stunning and perfect, like the way you walk down on the aisle on your wedding day and thought the peony flowers are just rightly placed and in just the right colours.






        There was an abundance of books I was dying to buy them all. But hey, girlie here is a broque student therefore only one book is allowed to make it through the counter so I don't have to eat instant noodles for the rest of the month.

        From literature and arts, to religions and cultures, to sports and music and crimes and young adults and children books, they have it all. It was truly spectacular!

        It was truly difficult to choose a book that fits my liking at that particular moment. Alas, I did pick up four to five books, read the summary, Googled it up, and finally pick one and put the rest of them back on the shelves.

        So I settled for this one book: The Reader by Bernhard Schlink.


        It was originally written in German language, then it got famous worldwide and finally translated into various languages; one of them being in English, and one of the copies in my hand. I had long forgotten what charm does this book has over me in the first place that I decided to buy it. But do I regret buying this book? Well, stay tune I guess.

        The book was written in three parts, all of them from the point of view of the main character, Michael Berg.

        Part One - It started with the flashback of Michael as a 15-year-old boy who felt sick when he was taking a walk around the neighbourhood. He threw up near a building. An older woman helped him, clean his face and the vomit and sent him home. Later, the doctor diagnosed him with hepatitis and he was sick for months. When Michael got better, he bought flowers and went back to the woman's house to thank her. The lady invited him in and asked him to wait outside while she got changed. Through the cracked hole of the door, Michael peeped (like the pervert he is) and got caught by her. He ran away. 

        A week later, he went there again after he had dreamed perverted dreams and thought perverted thoughts over the lady's body and his sister (yes you read it right. His own sister). Once again, the lady, named Hanna or German name: Frau Schmitz invited him in, had him helped her with her groceries, which somehow, the coal dust ended up covering over his face. Hanna told him to take a bath. Next scene is, what I wouldn't prefer to write, but I had to in order to get my points across. They made love and their love affair started from there.
        
        Michael would go to Hanna's house almost everyday, their routine would always almost stayed the same. He would read her books, bathed together and made love. Mind you, Hanna was 36 years old meanwhile Michael was 15 years old. Their affair went on and on without anyone knowing, until Hanna left the neighbourhood later. 

        Part Two - Michael became a law student. He met Hanna again, this time, him as a law student attending a trial seminar as audience and Hanna as one of the defendants guilty of the death of women prisoners in the recent fire. The time settings was set after the World War II, when people who conspired against the Jews were deemed guilty. The crime Hanna was accused of was letting tens of Jewish women camp prisoners burnt to death in a locked church building. She worked as the camp guard along with a few other defendants. Questions after questions were asked, judges throwing nasty glances, evidences were presented, the defendants pointing fingers at each other. 

        One of the scenes that piqued my interest and managed to keep me reading was the scene when the prosecutor asked the defendants why they didn't unlock the door when the church started burning down. There were a lot of different answers given, but Hanna's was that they had no alternative. People were hurt badly, screaming and crying in pain. Some of the people-in-charge were sent to hospital while some of them already flocked away from the scene. Her justification was unlocking the door would only bring more chaos. 

        At the end of the second part, the decision was made. Hanna was sentenced to life while the other defendants got many years in jail.

        Part Three - After the trial, Michael continued his life as usual. He married his girlfriend, blessed with a daughter, and later got divorced. He sent Hanna recorded tapes of him reading books. In the later years, Hanna finally learnt to write. On her 18th year of serving sentences, Hanna's appeal was approved. The jail warden wrote to Michael about it, as he was the only contact Hanna got from the outside world. The warden asked him to visit her, which he only did a week before Hanna's release. When he met her, long gone the beauty he once loved. What was left in front of him was Hanna in the face of older woman, with wrinkles and crinkles. Slightly fat body and unalluring clothes. Hanna greeted him with excitement lit up on her face, to which he didn't give back the same excitement. 

        A day before the release, they talked over the phone. Their conversation was short. Michael realized the youth in her voice stayed the same. And the next day, on her release, Hanna hanged herself. Michael went to her cell, as requested by the warden, picked up her stuff and money she left as a will. In her will, the mention of Michael was kept short. Instead, she requested him to give the money to the daughter who survived the fire. He did it a year later, though the daughter refused the money and asked him to donate to any charity organizations instead. He did, to the Jewish Against the Illiteracy Organization. They sent a thank-you letter under the name Hanna Schmitz. The book finally ended with: 

    With the letter in my pocket, I drove to the cemetery, to Hanna's grave. It was the first and only time I stood there. 



        I almost DNF'ed the book at the first part. Being a conservative myself, I don't find it interesting to read an illicit, sexual grooming affair between a fully grown woman and a teenager. Call it love or whatever, but I call it grooming and pedophilic. Both of them knew it was wrong. It was not love. I become more convinced about this later in the book. A lot of instances were proven in Michael's relationships as he had difficulties to make them work due to his 'love' for Hanna. He also mentioned how alluring the way Hanna put on socks so he asked his girlfriends to do the same but none of them make him felt the way Hanna did.  

        The second part was interesting. That was enough to kept my attention. There were a lot of questions arose, self-principles being challenged, and hard truths that knock my head like a solid stone. 


    When Michael went to see the nearest concentration camp, he hitched a truck on the way. The driver asked his purpose. He told his story and why he couldn't understand what Hanna did. He wanted answers. The driver replied as above image.



        
        During one of the trials, questions arose on which of the defendants wrote the report. Hanna defended herself but no one believed. The judges agreed that everyone should write and they would call over a handwriting specialist to analyze over it. Hearing this, Hanna immediately admitted it was her doing.

        Michael didn't realize this at first. When he went back to his dorm and pondered, he realized that Hanna was illiterate and in fact, couldn't read nor write. This thought occured to him after he remembered an old memory from Part One, one which he left Hanna in the morning of their holiday with a note, saying he went out for a while to buy her flowers, only later to come back to find Hanna was crying madly. The note he left on the table was nowhere to be seen. It was weird that the note suddenly gone but he didn't think much of it until later.

        I think about this ocassionally. What was Hanna's reason for not admitting she couldn't write? If she admitted it, her sentences would be much lighter. Is being illiterate that much of a shame? Or was it that she wanted to appear pretty and perfect in front of her lover, that she was willing to give up her freedom? If she admitted it, yeah it would probably bring shame, but hey, long-term-wise, she had her chances at life. 

        I tried to find an instance of my life that I might rationale her behaviour but I couldn't. Even to this day, I still don't understand her.










        What I like:

        I like the second part of the book, especially. It throws a lot of questions which sometimes we do not realize. What responsibilities fall for the post-war Germany generations, with the knowledge that their ancestors annihilate entire race out of hatred? And what became of those who were camp guards/commanders/army? What were they thinking when they accepted the job? I'd like the answer from the truck driver in particular, which he said "The executioners don't execute because they hate or because it is their jobs. It is only a matter of indifference. It does not matter to them whether someone died or burned to death. They would probably be thinking which football team is gonna score tonight while the prisoners screamed for help. 

        I love the ending. I think Hanna's death is important for Michael to move on with his life. He was able to move forward, no longer chasing Hanna's shadows and reminded of her love.

        Also, the scene during Michael's visit to the prison, was what made him realized his love for her is almost superficial. He loves her for her beauty, her smell, her figure. With all of that gone during her long years in the jail, he almost couldn't recognize her.

        Another thing that I like about this book is the writing style. In Part One, as it is written in the flashback of a 15-year-old Michael, the writing style was simple, almost childish. But you can feel the changing of the style in Part Two and Part Three, where more complicated stuffs and words were used.

        I also loved how the author didn't put much focus on the side characters. He mainly focus on Michael and his POV to find the answers to the questions. If there was too much spotlight on the background characters, it would probably be very messy and unlikable.

        What I don't like:

        The first part of the book, of course. Though I do realize the importance of Michale and Hanna's relationships in the book development, however I fail to understand the reason for them to have sexual relationships. Why can't they be mentor and mentee? Or teacher and a student? Or maybe just an older lady who bakes him cookies whenever he got sad.

        This exact section of the book, to me, almost felt estranged and forced. Probably did it as fan service to attract readers all over the world.

        I don't really like how we never got to read from Hanna's side. Was she truly in love with a kid two decades younger than her? What does she feel when she let the prisoners burnt to death? In my opinion, having to read this book all over again from Hanna's POV would feel right and just. Only then I can know what she was thinking when she refused to let people know she was illiterate. 





        All in all, I do like this book. 3/5 stars. I likeee the book, but not too much that it would be in my top 5 books, but enough to give it 3 stars. The book was too heavy for reading (or probably I was stupid). Too much questions, but no concrete answers. I felt like the author also don't have the answers to the questions. But just enjoy the plot, the storyline, and you'll be fine. The other reviews I read online said that this book put focus on the WWII, but it doesn't seem like that to me. Probably it was a mistake to read the online reviews first before reading it myself, because I seem to put some kind of expectation while reading (which is absurd).

        Do I recommend it? Nah. Probably go read other books while you can. But if you wanna pick it up, why not ehhe.

        Anyways thank you for reading my longggg post! 


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    Bismillah.


    Haritu ada PBAKL, tapi aku tak pergi. Aku sebenarnya nak sangatttt pergi tapi duit tak mengizinkan (crying as a broque gurl). So I spent my weekend watching live tiktoks and scrolling em PBAKL tiktok videos. Besides finishing up my assignments, of course.

    Tapi Yumna (one of my gals) pergi, and she bought a total of 14 books! I was like, GURL YOU HAD MONEY?? Never knew her daddy's rich as heck so now I promise myself I am gon be a better friend to her (^^ yumna if you're reading this, can i know if ur bro's single?) 

    Aku pergi lah kat bilik dia, lepak-lepak jap, sambil-sambil browsing through her book haul. Dan ada satu buku yang menarik perhatian aku, iaitu buku Letters to the Lost.




    Buku ni menceritakan tentang dua remaja, Juliet dan Declan who each lost their family member. Untuk mengatasi kesedihan, Juliet meninggalkan surat demi surat di kubur ibunya. Declan pula sedang menjalani hukuman community service atas kesalahan juvana membersihkan kawasan perkuburan. Suatu hari, dia terjumpa surat yang ditinggalkan Juliet. Bermula daripada situ, mereka saling berbalas surat secara anonymous. 

    It is indeed a beautiful story about grieving. How people cope with sadness after being left by their loved ones. How to deal with the trauma. 

    It is a good book for people who got left.

    Relating to coping with death, I also lost my grandmother, but she is not like my direct grandmother. She is my grandmother's sister in law. I was practically raised by her because my parents sometimes too busy putting food on the table. If you ask me, she would be the number one person I love the most in this world.

    That's why I totally can relate to both Declan and Juliet. The self-blaming, guilt, regret and all waves of negative emotions keep washing over you and there's nothing you can do. Declan thought he contributed to killing his sister. He keeps thinking on "what if" and "if only i had done that". And he thought his mother hated him because of that. Due to his self-blaming, he wanted to kill himself. He shut himself off from the rest of the world, even including his best friend, Rev. He put up a brave face, pretends he doesn't give a shit about people.

    Meanwhile Juliet is different in some way. She also thinks she plays a part in her mother's death. Her mother works as a photographer. After her death, Juliet couldn't even touch a camera anymore. She even drops out of photography class, which is her favourite. That is her way of grieving.

    I understood Declan, but I somehow cannot seem to find a common ground with Juliet. I don't understand why she couldn't take pictures. WHY CANNOT YOU TOUCH YOUR MOTHER'S FAVOURITE THINGS? Cause if it was me, I'd sleep and bathe and eat with a Nikon camera by my side. And even if I cried, I'll be sure to cry while hugging the camera. 

    But yup, that is the thing about empathy. Even if there are times when you couldn't wrap your head around it, you have to nod and walk it off.

    I love how the whole process of grieving and letting go of a person's death and moving on from the past is beautifully captured in this book. Both Juliet and Declan struggle with this, and unintentionally hurt themselves and people around them. Their friends, their families. They all care for them and wanting to help them, but what much help can be if they don't want any help?

    Declan was never described as handsome in the book. But Juliet thinks he is a confrontational person, and his features are perfect. (Welp, that's what happens when you're in love^^)

    Overall, I truly recommend this for everyone. A great 4 stars book from me :)) [no-sidebar]




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