Masayume: studentlife

Bismillah.

[A long overdue post]

How do I start this thing off eh, I wonder.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Mostly it's due to life doing its wonderful work of driving me to the edge of the cliff, had me in chokehold and push me off. I am in my early 20s, but God forbid me having an easy life. My mind couldn't recall the details of how it started, but I remember the feeling of helplessness washed over me every now and then. Even in times I reached out for help, it still hold onto me, like a baby who won't let go of his favourite toy. It comes to me in the morning when I wake up, and hug me at night until I sleep. If this feeling was a person, he'd be my jailer.

In my earlier days when I was a child, I was one what you could call a golden child. One who got perfect attendance at school not because her parents forced her but due to her own diligence. The one who would raise her hand at the speed of lightning to answer the multiplication questions on the whiteboard. The one who would, even break her neck just to argue with the teacher on some grammatical language disagreement. Yup, I kid you not. I did just that.

Because I love studying. Loved.

Studying and being in class and asking questions I don't know and solving maths equations were once my favourite thing to do. Mum told me I used to do a LOT of practice equations at home (aside from schoolwork). Can you imagine that was how I used to be? Oh God. I am laughing hard right now.

Now I find the slightest academical-related thing suffocates me.

How did it go to this?

I hate waking up in the morning, walking to class and listening to lectures and stuffs I don't even understand. It's hard to comprehend how I ended up like this. It's even harder to understand why it is so hard to actually understand all the subjects I took.

There's no counting how many times I've thought about death, really. Academics validation is what I crave, the only thing keeping me afloat and making me feel as if my existence on this planet actually matters. Like I am actually worth all these oxygens and space and time. But when my academics go downhill, with no A's and excellent results to prove it, my mind went berserk. My heart palpitating so wild. I got social anxiety. It feels like everywhere I go, people will look at me in disgust. When I talk to others, I get this these thoughts running in my mind. "Do they like me? Do they think I'm stupid? Do they know my grades? Do they know I always get low scores in test and exams? Do they think I don't deserve to talk to them?"

What if I stay quiet? What if I keep my head low until all I see is ground? Would they be okay? They would then be glad, wouldn't they?

What about my mum? Is she disappointed in me? What does she think of me? An ungrateful, stupid, stone-headed daughter who is struggling in her study? Would she be glad if I die?

No kidding, really. I've looked for places around my university campus; a nice abandoned place for me to die. I don't want a flashy death or people making fuss about it, because then people would realize my existence. I don't want people to talk "oh that girl who died, what is her grade?" "poor girl died because of her low grades.". I don't want people to even know I died. Let my existence cease to oblivion.

I thought the lake near the swamp would be nice. There aren't many people go there especially during the evenings. I could go in there, drown and people probably wouldn't even realize it until, like, 3 weeks. Maybe if my body got eaten by the fish and didn't float, no one would ever know I'm gone.

Sad? Nah, I think it's a good type of death.

But the lake was shallow. I tried go in there once, and it was real shallow.

In addition, to die means you need to have the courage. I gathered up all my courage in my bones, but still couldn't get this all over with.

I'm tired. I kept thinking I don't worth anything.

I knew I should've gotten some help so I tried talking to a counsellor. My university counsellor to be precise. She was wonderful and breathe some life back into me. But she went on maternal leave after that so I was left alone again.

"Try talking to your friends," people said that all the time.

You know how hard it is confiding in friends and family? To pour out all your insecurities and lay bare naked. And you can't even trust people. Trust me, I did that my whole life and what do I get in return? Betrayal. They will tell others your darkest secrets, though you literally pleaded them not to. They would call you names behind your back. But it wasn't their fault. It was your fault for believing in them. For being a fool.

I think this is it for now. Thanks for reading all the way down. I always felt it was better to talk to strangers than people I know.

Bismillah.

Okay aku tak sengaja edit gambar jadi warna putih terlajak lebar macam tu hahaha. Tu just gimik nak tunjuk banyak kerja je haha.

Aku nak cerita pasal minggu lepas, atau lebih tepat lagi, bagi aku, minggu 9 semester 3 asasi dan pembelajaran secara ODL (online distance learning). Sem 3 ni macam gila bebenor bagi aku. Kitorang belajar chemistry II, mathematics II, physics II dan satu kelab kokurikulum yang wajib diambil. Aku ambil yang paling senang (tak banyak kerja tapi sebenarnya banyak jugak hahahaha) iaitu kelab drama & teater. Takdelah senang nak dapat markah mana pun dan assignment boleh tahan la. Tapi bagi aku better daripada aku join kelab silat. Member aku join kelab silat, haaaaa hambik kau kena silat depan camera. Me being a shy person, memang taklah aku nak buat.

This sem, i've been trying to stay sane as hard I could. Kau bayangkan la, belajar organic chemistry dan fizik pasal electric dan litar dll tu. First of all, aku memang anti electrik dan litar daripada sejak zaman embrio lagi okayh. So bila sem kali ni kena belajar menda tu, automatik otak aku shut down and shut off semua pintu untuk benda tu masuk. Okay la aku try la jugak nak buka hati untuk belajar benda AC circuit RLC bagai tu. TAPI TAK MENJADI OKAY. Setiap kali sir cerita pasal benda tu, mood aku auto jadi moody and geram dowh. Tak tau la tapi memang benci betul elektrik ni sebab komplikated nakmampus.

Organic chem? ha.ha.ha.ha. Benda paling menyusahkan student. Tapi yang kelakarnya, madam aku selalu cakap organic chemistry lagi senang daripada physical chemistry. And I'll be like: NANII???

No komen la organic chemistry tu. Minggu ni ada quiz. Next week ada test. Hehe hihi huhu.

Berbalik kepada benda yang aku nak cerita. Minggu lepas, aku tak tahulah kenapa, tapi memang aku breakdown teroks tau. Aku menangis ada dalam 3 or 4 kali jugak minggu lepas. Dia macam, aku bangun tidur, tengok laptop, teringat benda kena belajar yang susahgilanamatey, pastu otak aku akan tersenyap gitu. I was like, okay aku kena study balik chapter blabla. Okay aku nak study tapi taknak study. Nak bangun tidur tapi taknak bangun tapi taknak tidur jugak. End up, aku nangis walaupun aku tak tahu kenapa aku nangis.

Another thing, last week aku skip 4 kelas selama 2 hari. This is actually very shocking for me when I come to my senses. FYI, I NEVER SKIP CLASS SESUKA HATI since sekolah rendah. Kecuali la kalau aku tak pergi sekolah okay. Konteks skip class aku kat sini ialah aku pergi sekolah, dan saja-saja tak nak masuk kelas. Even masa sekolah menengah, aku takde buat perangai buruk macam ni. Kalau aku tak nak masuk kelas belajar, aku akan cari alasan untuk balik rumah/rehat di bilik rehat. Tapi jarang la aku rehat kat bilik rehat sebab aku tak pandai nak tipu demam lama-lama. Biasanya, buat-buat demam sikit, mintak kebenaran warden, then call mak aku suruh datang ambik. Balik rumah, layan Kdrama! Hahahahhaa biasalah budak-budak.

p/s: students dilarang tiru perbuatan tak semenggah macam ni

Apa perasaan aku masa skip class? Tak tahu. Aku rasa bersalah. Aku nak join class, tapi somehow I can't bring myself to do it. I don't wanna join class. Lepastu aku ambik keputusan untuk tidur sebab kalau aku tak tidur, aku akan terus dihurung perasaan bersalah.

Lepas tu bila aku bangun tidur, aku tengok jadual. Okay ada kelas lagi. Okayla jom masuk kelas. Tapi macam aku cakap, somehow aku tak boleh. Aku tak nak join. Tapi aku rasa bersalah gila-gila sebab tak join. Omg peningnya aku nak explain.

So aku tak join. Total class aku tak join = 4.

Aku duduk dalam bilik sorang-sorang, tengok dinding, then teringat betapa berdosanya aku tak join class. Rasa macam useless gila. Dahlah tak pandai, pastu tak join class pulak. Aku rasa macam tak layak nak hidup. Pastu aku menangis. Bila dah okay, aku stop menangis. Tapi benda ni agak repetitive sepanjang minggu lepas.

Aku rasa pelik tau perkara macam ni berlaku kat aku. Aku memang cepat moody bila stress. But I would never breakdown like that (?). Like, crying and stuff you know. i hate crying the most. I hate it more than I hate squids.

Ramai ke yang ada breakdown macam aku? Pelik kan? I was doing fine and all before, well yes I did try to cope with the busy schedules, but it's normal and i'm used to it tho. One second I was fine, the next I'm already crying on my knees beside my bed.

Another thing yang aku nak cerita adalah tentang keadaan nenek saudara aku. Aku panggil beliau, mok. Mok ni la yang jaga aku masa kecik sebab kedua-dua parents aku kerja kan. Aku sayang sangat-sangat kat mok sebab dia baikkk sangat dengan aku. Selalu masak bagi aku makan etc camtu.

Takdir Allah, Mok disahkan kena kanser kat bahagian hati Januari yang lalu. Masa dapat tahu tu, beliau dah tahap akhir dah. Banyak kali buat sesi kemoterapi kat Hospital Kubang Kerian, then recently doctor cakap beliau dah tak boleh teruskan kemoterapi dah. Duduk je dekat rumah. Anak-anak dia la yang jaga. Aku datang jugak melawat kadang-kadang. My mum went to visit almost everyday Btw rumah kitorang dekat je. Tak rentas daerah pun okay.

Sedih sangat kalau aku tengok beliau. Kurus kering, nampak tulang je.

Em on second thought, let's stop talking at that.

Mohon doa siapa-siapa yang membaca entri blog aku yang sendu ni, supaya dimudahkan urusan dan diringankan kesakitan beliau.

Oh hari Ahad baru-baru ni, 4/7, kakak kedua aku balik. Dia study kat Jordan. Jordan ni mantul betul la. Masa kakak aku pergi sana Januari tahun lepas, kes Covid-19 diorang teruk gila tau. 6k ++. Tapi yang magikanya, diorang sekarang dah hampir kosong/kosong kes Covid. Diorang tak lockdown ketat macam kita tau. Lockdown diorang hanya hari Jumaat je. Kakak aku cakap maybe sebab populasi diorang sikit je dan diorang punya vaksinasi program rapid.

Even kakak aku dah dapat dua dos vaksin. Haaa mantulllllll

Tu jela kut aku nak cerita. Aku sebenarnya rindu nak tulis diari. Aku ada dua diari. Satu masa sekolah rendah, satu lagi sekolah menengah. Sekarang aku rasa nak tulis diari balik, tapi macam takde masa. Busy bebenor guwe.

Sekarang ni, aku masih membaca buku War Cry, karya Wilbur Smith. Pages dalam 500 something. Dah dekat sebulan kut aku baca. Tak habis-habis lagi hahahhahahaah! Best cerita dia. Nanti aku buat review lepas habis baca.

Wait.... aku rasa macam aku ada janji nak tulis review Dunia Tanpa Tembok haritu hahahahhaha.

Anyway, thanks for reading blog picisan sendu ini! Annyeong =D

Bismillah.

This week indicates the start of my second sem in my foundation year. There'll be one more sem left until I'll start my degree.

This sem, I think, would be SUPER HECTIC because I'm taking all the core subjects. Physics I, Chemistry I, Mathematics I and Proficiency English. I loveee theseee subjects but i swear to God that learning chem maths and phys in English is just super hard :P Well I took 'em in Bahasa Melayu back during SPM, therefore tryna convert 'em all the phrases and names in English is gonna took me a while to get used to it.

For this sem also, I could say I was alone. Well you don't really get to know any of your classmates if the classes are conducted fully online ya know. Wafiy and Tiyah aren't in my class this year. And fortunately Lisa's still with me in the same class. But we got separated during Math nested group :'( she's in another group and I'm so sadd.

It's just that, I really got anxious meeting new people yaknow. It doesn't happen to me before this. I mean, I used to get sooo excited meeting people. Idk what happen to me. I think I had a breakdown. My spirit got lost somewhere and I couldn't find it

Funny thing is, I'm in the same nested group with Z. Ya know, the one I used to have a crush on. Tbh I still do like him but I don't care hahaa.

I really want to avoid being in the same group with him, but things happen. All the other groups are full and I was left with no choice.

As we expected, this sem is conducted fully online. Right now, I'm back at my home. The internet's not so good because of some development being made. That's what the TM guy said. So i bought my own data. I never bought weekly data before, so it feels different.

I met Nad days ago. She went to terengganu with her family. We hang out from morning till late evening. It was fun. She drove the car like crazzzyyyy.

Next day spent time with Ain Sk and Yana. We went to my school to pick up my SPM certificate. Then went to KTCC. Fun times. Money flowed like water ahaha.

Two days ago, I decided to try joining the class at the library. Good internet connection, really. Ain Meru was there too. Then Ain Sk picked me up and I met Paah and Yana and we went to.,... KTCC again. Ate at Nasken Coffee. Good times.

I haven't been doing anything much this year. Just same old me.

Bismillah.

Sesuai dengan tajuk, jadi apa yang aku nak tulis adalah tentang memori-memori aku bergelar pelajar universiti. Well secara jujurnya, tak dikira pelajar uni lagi memandangkan aku baru ambil asasi, iaitu pre-university. Jadi kiranya aku ni pelajar pra-universiti. Hmm

Pendapat aku?

Best gila rupa-rupanya. Ingatkan belajar kat uni ni lagi paroks daripada belajar kat sekolah, but no. It's actually the opposite. Aku tak pasti adakah faktor subjek yang diambil ataupun Covid-19 (ODL) turut menyumbang dalam memudahkan pembelajaran, tapi yang pasti, setakat ni memang belajar syok gila.

Subjek untuk sem ni aku ambil 5. Technical English, Islamic Studies, Structured Algorithms & Programming, Thinking Skills dan Chess (kokurikulum). 5 subjek ni adalah subjek wajib untuk September intake. Untuk Non-Muslim, diorang akan ambil Moral Studies. Secara konklusinya, subjek-subjek untuk sem ni memang paling senang untuk asasi. Semuanya subjek yang tak perlu banyak gunakan otak kecuali Programming tu. Subjek programming tu aku no comment. (baca:RIP)

Aku suka gila subjek Islamic Studies (selain programming) sebab sir aku (sometimes kitorang panggil ustaz), suka bercakap pasal isu semasa dan dia tak fokus pada silibus tau. Ada 2 kelas setiap minggu, setiap kelas durasinya satu jam. Setiap kali kelas, sir mesti akan ada that one particular question yang buat kitorang dumbfounded. Contohnya antara soalan yang aku ingat, Who is Allah? Okay jujurnya yang lain aku tak ingat sebab aku tak catat TT. Best gila dalam kelas ustaz walaupun kitorang tak tahu apa jawapannya. And at the end of the day, kitorang still tak tahu apa jawapannya sebab pattern ustaz, dia akan cakap and discuss je. Dia tak conclude tau >,<

Dalam kelas aku, setakat yang aku kenal cuma ada Malaysians and one Indonesian guy named Gandewa. Tapi setakat yang aku kenal jelah sebab kitorang kan online masa class tak bukak cam tau sebab takut ganggu connection so tak berapa nak kenal semua orang.

UTP? Oh UTP is such a niceeee place to go to. Mestilah aku cakap nice sebab aku belajar kat situ ekekkeke. Kalau aku belajar kat UMP pun aku cakap UMP nice :P

Tapi seriously tau, best gila duduk UTP. The place is so dammmnn pretty tau. Petang-petang aku akan jalan-jalan around UTP. Sometimes dengan Nik, some other times aku jalan dengan Ainul K or Tiyah and Anas or sometimes aku jalan sorang-sorang je.

Adalah jugak beberapa kali aku bangun pagi lepas subuh, pergi jalan-jalan kat Oval Park untuk tengok sunrise. Best tau tapi sayangnya time aku rajin tulah matahari terlindung oleh awan :'( tak nampak sunrise manaa

Makanan?

Nahh. The food here is nice, tapi somehow tak kena dengan taste bud aku. Deria rasa aku diajar sejak kecil untuk rasa pedas, rasa ikan singgang mak aku masak, air tangan mak aku, makanan Terengganu only. Jadi bila datang sini, aku macam teruja gila nak cuba ayam masak merah, ayam blackpepper apa semua tu tapi sumpah lain do rasa dia. Dia bukannya tak sedap, cuma memang lain di lidah aku. Member aku cakap sedap je. Haish sedih gila. End up aku banyak makan nasi goreng daripada nasi berlauk which isz so sadzz.

Duit?

Memandangkan aku dapat biasiswa, Alhamdulillah, so aku tak pernah mintak duit dengan umi aboh aku (setakat ni). Tapi well yall know me aku ni boros tau sejak pandai guna online banking and ada duit sendiri ni so ada that one time, bila dalam bank cuma tinggal RM 30 (omg!). Waktu ni time penghujung sem. Duit cash aku ada RM50, and masa ni tak tahu lagi nak balik dengan bas atau parents datang ambik. Jadi memang... Kau bayangkan, hidup aku selang-seli. Hari ni makan maggi, esok tak makan, lusa maggi lagi. Dang it patutlah tak cukup zat kurus kering aku.

Masa tu rasa macam, Ya Allah bila nak balikk niii nak makan sedap-sedap nak makanan Terengganu omooo. Agak lama jugak aku melalui hari-hari sebegitu. Maybe dalam 2 atau 3 minggu?

Alhamdulillah, hari-hari hitam dalam hidup aku dah berlalu. Now I'm back at home, eating delicious food everyday! My stomach is happier now!! =D

Assignment banyak ke?

Setakat ni, TAKK. Every subject cuma dapat 1 assignment individu dan 1 group assignment. Kecuali chess aku dapat 2 individual assignment.

Ada apa kat Seri Iskandar?

UTP ni kan, aku tak tahulah dia terletak dalam daerah mana. Tapi setiap kali aku shopping kat Shopee, aku just letak Seri Iskandar, Perak. Tapi aku tak yakin Seri Iskandar tu nama daerah tapi tak tahulah hmm. Anyway, ada beberapa kali jugaklah aku and the gang keluar jalan-jalan. Kitorang pernah pergi AEON Station 18 kat Ipoh. Honest opinion: tak banyak sangat stores so not recommended. Kat situ ada POPULAR, tapi entah kenapa sikit gila buku-buku dia. Tak penuh rak pun. Yang ada banyak pun buku dalam bahasa Cina. Kitorang ingat nak pergi kat Tidofish, not sure tempat apabenda tu, tapi dia baru bukak. Tapi kitorang tak sempat pergi tau sebab lepastu kes Covid naik dan Perak kena PKPB.

Sebenarnya semasa PKPB, aku memang tak keluar pergi mana-mana pun walaupun lepas tu kawasan kitorang dah jadi zon hijau. Sebab, malas tau nak kena bayar Grab. Dah tu, Grab takleh masuk. Kena jalan pergi main gate, which, jauh gila dari village kitorang.

Kat Seri Iskandar ni takde 7-Eleven tauu. Ada MyKori baru bukak, sempat la merasa sekali. Subway, KFC, McD tu ada je. Tapi banyak bangunan-bangunan yang kosong la. Tak tau bila tempat ni nak penuh dengan shops.

Overall, my first sem was fun! Next sem kitorang akan belajar subjek Sains. Omoo eksaited gila aku! Tak sabar rasanya nak belajar fizik, math, chemistry semua tu. Next sem, kitorang sepatutnya ada lab tau. Masuk makmal, eksperimen apa semua tu. Lab coat dan goggle dah beli dah pun. Tapi sayangnya, untuk sem depan kitorang akan still belajar ODL. Dan untuk mereka yang dah pulang ke rumah, diorang takleh datang ke UTP sem depan sehinggalah diberitahu. Sem depan, hanya geng FYP dan geng yang tak siap lab je boleh datang. Others, stay at home.

Aku tak tahulah result sem1 keluar bila. Nervouse teroks gak ni. Guys, pray the best for me okayy =D Thankiuu in advance >,<

Bismillah.

topic about programming so that it will be nice to me since i talk about it hehe:)

no really, programming pls be nice

Aku tak pernah tahu aku akan suka perkomputeran (programming). Sebelum ni aku ingat bidang ni adalah satu bidang yang kompleks, hanya orang genius dan betul-betul minat je boleh ngam dengan bidang ni.

Tapi macam mana kita nak tahu kita minat atau tak kalau kita tak pernah cuba?

hehe

Semester ni, aku ambil 4 subjek dan satu subjek kokurikulum. Jumlah : 5 subjek. Antaranya, Structured Algorithm and Programming. Awal-awal aku ingat susah gila tapi sebenarnya, walaupun susah, tapi benda ni sangat menarik. Setiap kali programming code berjaya run dengan baik, aku rasa macam nak makan aiskrim Magnum untuk celebrate. Rasa je la. Mampus bankrap aku kalau nak celebrate dengan Magnum. Kat sini mart ada jual aiskrim. Tapi biasalah, overpriced.

Satu hal yang tak berubah, respect aku terhadap manusia bergelar programmer. Kerjaya. Software developer. App creator. Macam mana diorang boleh run code yang panjang berjela dengan berjaya? How do they live with those codes, like, the codes are crazy kut!! Soalan aku suku kertas A4 pun empat puluh kali aku run code, baru menjadi.

Mari aku cerita pasal programming. Aku belajar Python punya code. Untuk beginner, boleh belajar guna code Python. So far, lecturer aku cakap this one is the easiest if compared to other programming languages. I think I could agree.

To start, you can watch Youtube videos here :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBxCHonP6Ro&app=desktop

Link Python compiler online free , you can try this. I like using this one :

https://repl.it/languages/python3

You can try download Pycharm, but I don't really like it because it's kinda messy. Repl.it is better.

Basically, it is something like this;

num1 = int(input("Enter number : "))

num2 = int(input("Enter number 2 : "))

if (num1 < num2) :

print("Number ",num1, "is smaller than ", num2)

elif (num1 > num2) :

print("Number ",num1, "is larger than ", num2)

else :

print("Number ",num1, "is equal to ", num2)

In the future, everything will be about technology and digital industry. Malaysia has the best talents, but we fail to recognize the potential in our people. If we could develop these talents and make the best out of them, we can be one of the leading countries in technology. Trust me guys. We have the idea, we have the talent. The only thing we lack is the resource and full utilisation of the talents.

We couldn't appreciate enough of their talent. That's why young people prefers to work oversea. Their creativity and skills are much better appreciated. People recognize their talent, and give them opportunities to spread their wings.

I hope to see Malaysia's leading in the technology race in the future. 2020 is only a few months left, and there goes our Wawasan 2020. What a funny thing because what I expected 2020 to be is flying cars, robots as servants in the houses and buildings. But in reality, it is a horror. People losing jobs, their beloved ones, hungry kids on the street, parents gave up their baby as they cannot afford to raise them properly, people die of hunger, doctors and medical practitioners sacrificed their lives for patients.

Come on, Malaysia. We can do this. We can get rid of Covid-19 and get back on our feet.

IR 4.0

Bismillah.

programming is exciting, but it gives me stress i almost go crazy and throw my laptop out of window but i didn't because laptop is so mahalzz

Dulu, masa awal-awal blog ni ditubuhkan, aku seorang student. Budak mentah. Tahun ni aku masih lagi bergelar student, tapi di peringkat berbeza. Level up sikit. Student universiti. Hahaha.

10 September 2020, tarikh aku mendaftarkan diri di UTP. Universiti swasta. Tak pernah terfikir pun akan masuk kat universiti yang bagi aku a lil bit(not really a bit, a lot actually) berprestij. No aku tak kaya. I wan't born with a golden spoon in my mouth. Tak susah either. Just so-so family background. Aku dapat scholarship, Alhamdulillah. Rezeki. Tak sangka jugak.

First impression aku pasal UTP, is that it is a very secular university (no offense). A place where people don't care about religion, partying all night on weekends, no boundaries between a guy and a girl, solat ke laut etc. Okay. This is my first impression, based on stories I read and heard from friends and seniors.

Ok before I dig deeper into my random thoughts tonight, aku nak cerita pasal UTP. I don't know if you guys know, but it is located in Seri Iskandar, Perak. Seri Iskandar ni is a place yang jalan raya sangat lengang, empty building shops, banyak tasik (my mum told me kat sini dulu banyak tasik bijih timah ?), jalan tak ada traffic lights blablabla. Pendek kata, memang kosong la Seri Iskandar ni. Yang bestnya, Ipoh. Ipoh ada banyak benda. Tapi sebab Covid-19, aku baru pergi sekali haritu. AEON Station 18. Dengan member-member.

sidenote : AEON Station 18 is nice, but not really since POPULAR Bookstore tak ada banyak buku :'( i mean, whyyyyyy

UTP is a BIG HUGE GIGANTIC university, at least for me. From the main gate nak ke Village (residential village, accommodation for students), jauh gila. Haritu aku nak ambil barang kat main gate (since dia tak bagi j&t masuk sebab dia cuma allow PosLaju je masuk, which is idk whyyyy), aku pinjam basikal member kepada roommate aku, 20 minit pergi balik. Since aku dah biasa dengan berbasikal sebab kat rumah selalu naik basikal, hence it was not really tiring for me. But there's this one time, on my second day in UTP, ada parcel sampai kat main gate, aku dan Ainul beli webcam sebab camera laptop kitorang huduh gila hahahahahaha. Masa tu, kitorang second day di UTP, tak kenal jalan lagi. So kiranya macam nak uni tour laa gitu, kitorang jalan-jalan dari village, lalu ikut village 1, then ke chancellor hall yang sangat cantik, then baru pergi ke main gate dan lalu la dekat Masjid An-Nuur yang so prettyy.

IRC. Information Resource Centre. in other words, library :) located opposite of Chancellor Hall. so big, has an elevator. total level is around 5 or 6.

credit : google

Chancellor Complex. It's even prettier at night

my room when i first stepped into it. Village 4 looks like this. There's 6 villages in total, and each of them is designed differently.

credit source : google

Masjid An-Nuur. We got Pusat Islam An-Nuur as well, but it was so berhabuk and i'd never seen anyone enter it so far.

We took around 1 hour and half to get to the main gate and back to our village. It was SO TIRING but WORTH IT because we got the webcam and the view is so stunning.

In UTP, we have this big park called Oval Park. Ada tasik besar kat situ, I think it is an artificial lake btw, we can lepak and hang out there because it was a nice place to hang out. The sunset is very pretty. In short, everything is so pretty about UTP except the distance.

Okay let's get back onto the track. Like i said, my first impression wasn't pretty. Too much secularism. I came from a religious school background, so there's this anxious feeling in my heart that I'm afraid to voice out. I am not a religious person (my school is though ahhahaha). I am just a normal person, who, well, kinda play around a lot. Aku bukan seorang yang berjiwa kental, iman aku rapuh. I know. Aku sangat-sangat takut kalau aku terjebak dengan kejutan budaya. Culture shock. That's scary.

I've had nightmares that I would come back home with no hijab, free hair, rambut berkarat, miniskirt, hidung bertindik. No offense. But that really scares me.

But life really tricks me. Kat sini, ada banyak persatuan yang mendorong pelajar untuk mengejar akhirat, contohnya Rakan Masjid. And the seniors here are very, i would say, religious. Some of the seniors I met. Not all, but many. Some of them wear tudung even bigger than mine. Some of them also confessed, they weren't like this before. They came from an urban family background, play music, dance at school and all. But they found peace here. They found their way back to Islam :)

Every Thursay night, there would be an online meeting conducted via Microsoft Teams to recite Surah Al-Kahfi together. 10 ayat terawal dan 10 ayat terakhir. For whoever who want to join. It really hit me hard. Makes me think over again and again. I couldn't even practice reading Al-Kahfi on Thursday night at home, and here I am, feeling so much better than others. Feeling holier-than-thou. Astaghfirullah.

This one housemate of mine colours her hair with perang colour, and once I felt weird when I saw her for the first time. But then I discovered she went to the Masjid An-Nuur, something not many people do because it is a long walk. I felt guilty. When I first met her, no I didn't think bad of her, but you know, there's this feeling of like, em, idk. Still feel guilty though.

Here in UTP, I learnt to appreciate all those times when I read the Quran, perform sunat prayers in my secondary school (which I didn't appreciate before. I hated it). To be able to read Quran, is like a blessing. It feels so different than the times I read it in school. It feels like, peace. Calming. So much of a bliss. Blessed.

No I didn't feel this way before in school. At school, I didn't hate it. I just feel like rebelling because the rules are so strict. It was a routine that repeats every day. No time to play around (although we did play around anyway). People threw cynical looks at you if you are a troubled student. The student who would sleep in every mengaji class, in every perhimpunan, the one who didn't pay attention in Quran classes.

It feels good to feel like this reading Al-Quran. I didn't feel forced. I feel happy doing it. Although there's also this feeling of regretting a bit. I regret not spending my 5 years in school studying more about Islam, practicing my religion properly and appreciate my time there. I could've spent the time better, and thinking about that makes me sad.

on another note : I think I was really a.... uh oh never mind.

I just finished reading Anthem, a novel by Hlovate, and there's this quote that stuck in my head.

"Islam tu bukan hak orang yang sekolah agama atau golongan-golongan tertentu je. Ingat tu. Islam tu hak sekalian alam. Do not let others tell you otherwise. Ever. It is yours as much as it is theirs."

Coming from a religious background, I am not ashamed. But I just couldn't be proud of it. Another reason why I like my identity to be anonymous. I am a Muslimah, but I am not really a good one. I am trying, but it is hard. To carry the name of a Muslimah and Hafizah, it is a huge responsibility. My attitude reflects my religion. If people knows I come from religious school, and a hafizah at that, I am afraid all my actions will get judged. Can't help it. I know it's wrong to judge a book by its cover, and it is even wrong to judge Islam by Muslims' actions. Islam is perfect, but Muslim is not. We are all humans at the end of the day, and we can't help but do sins. As long as we are trying to be better each day, inshaa Allah, it will be okay.

Allah pandang usaha, bukannya hasil. Let's keep trying.

Seorang Muslim harus berpegang bahawa dia pada hari ini lebih baik daripada semalam.

This is so random. Anyway, let's pray for Covid-19 to be gone from this world. Let's pray the best for Malaysia.

#StaySafe

Masayume

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