We took around 1 hour and half to get to the main gate and back to our village. It was SO TIRING but WORTH IT because we got the webcam and the view is so stunning. 

In UTP, we have this big park called Oval Park. Ada tasik besar kat situ, I think it is an artificial lake btw, we can lepak and hang out there because it was a nice place to hang out. The sunset is very pretty. In short, everything is so pretty about UTP except the distance.

Okay let's get back onto the track. Like i said, my first impression wasn't pretty. Too much secularism. I came from a religious school background, so there's this anxious feeling in my heart that I'm afraid to voice out. I am not a religious person (my school is though ahhahaha). I am just a normal person, who, well, kinda play around a lot. Aku bukan seorang yang berjiwa kental, iman aku rapuh. I know. Aku sangat-sangat takut kalau aku terjebak dengan kejutan budaya. Culture shock. That's scary.

I've had nightmares that I would come back home with no hijab, free hair, rambut berkarat, miniskirt, hidung bertindik. No offense. But that really scares me.

But life really tricks me. Kat sini, ada banyak persatuan yang mendorong pelajar untuk mengejar akhirat, contohnya Rakan Masjid. And the seniors here are very, i would say, religious. Some of the seniors I met. Not all, but many. Some of them wear tudung even bigger than mine. Some of them also confessed, they weren't like this before. They came from an urban family background, play music, dance at school and all. But they found peace here. They found their way back to Islam :)

Every Thursay night, there would be an online meeting conducted via Microsoft Teams to recite Surah Al-Kahfi together. 10 ayat terawal dan 10 ayat terakhir. For whoever who want to join. It really hit me hard. Makes me think over again and again. I couldn't even practice reading Al-Kahfi on Thursday night at home, and here I am, feeling so much better than others. Feeling holier-than-thou. Astaghfirullah.

This one housemate of mine colours her hair with perang colour, and once I felt weird when I saw her for the first time. But then I discovered she went to the Masjid An-Nuur, something not many people do because it is a long walk. I felt guilty. When I first met her, no I didn't think bad of her, but you know, there's this feeling of like, em, idk. Still feel guilty though.

Here in UTP, I learnt to appreciate all those times when I read the Quran, perform sunat prayers in my secondary school (which I didn't appreciate before. I hated it). To be able to read Quran, is like a blessing. It feels so different than the times I read it in school. It feels like, peace. Calming. So much of a bliss. Blessed. 

No I didn't feel this way before in school. At school, I didn't hate it. I just feel like rebelling because the rules are so strict. It was a routine that repeats every day. No time to play around (although we did play around anyway). People threw cynical looks at you if you are a troubled student. The student who would sleep in every mengaji class, in every perhimpunan, the one who didn't pay attention in Quran classes.

It feels good to feel like this reading Al-Quran. I didn't feel forced. I feel happy doing it. Although there's also this feeling of regretting a bit. I regret not spending my 5 years in school studying more about Islam, practicing my religion properly and appreciate my time there.  I could've spent the time better, and thinking about that makes me sad.

on another note : I think I was really a.... uh oh never mind.

I just finished reading Anthem, a novel by Hlovate, and there's this quote that stuck in my head.

"Islam tu bukan hak orang yang sekolah agama atau golongan-golongan tertentu je. Ingat tu. Islam tu hak sekalian alam. Do not let others tell you otherwise. Ever. It is yours as much as it is theirs."

Coming from a religious background, I am not ashamed. But I just couldn't be proud of it. Another reason why I like my identity to be anonymous. I am a Muslimah, but I am not really a good one. I am trying, but it is hard. To carry the name of a Muslimah and Hafizah, it is a huge responsibility. My attitude reflects my religion. If people knows I come from religious school, and a hafizah at that, I am afraid all my actions will get judged. Can't help it. I know it's wrong to judge a book by its cover, and it is even wrong to judge Islam by Muslims' actions. Islam is perfect, but Muslim is not. We are all humans at the end of the day, and we can't help but do sins. As long as we are trying to be better each day, inshaa Allah, it will be okay. 

Allah pandang usaha, bukannya hasil. Let's keep trying.

Seorang Muslim harus berpegang bahawa dia pada hari ini lebih baik daripada semalam.

This is so random. Anyway, let's pray for Covid-19 to be gone from this world. Let's pray the best for Malaysia.

#StaySafe