When I first started out in pre-uni, fresh out of high school, 18 and full of vigor, I met the first few people who would soon become my best friends throughout my university journey.

I was the earliest to arrive at the block. I still remember it. Block V4E. September 2020. Some of them I already had exchanged messages with. Apparently as fate had it, we joined the same online seminar held for post-SPM students. I remember the excitement I had when I found out our dorms are near to each other.

Corner room. Level 2. It was probably slightly after Zuhur when my family reached the place. We travelled all the way from Terengganu to Perak, carrying hopes and big dreams (other than the mountains of my stuffs). After they left, I was all alone. My roommate hadn't arrived yet, and neither the rest of the people in the other rooms.

Lisa was the next to arrive. Her room was next to mine, I think. I knocked on the door, eager to say hi. My first impression - such a pretty girl. 

The rest of my friends arrived a little later. We clicked instantly. At first, our group was small. 7 people, then 8, then it soon becomes 10 and 12 as our degree progressed.

We had our internships in our third year. Everyone separated. Some underwent internship at Melaka, some in KL, some others in Pahang. But all of them had at least one other person at the same company so they were never truly alone. Me personally, I went for a research internship abroad, away from everyone, the furthest. The only one in the group.

At first we kept in touch. Sent selfies. Asked questions. Updated our lives.

Then the group chat slowly went quiet. Notifications hardly popped up.

After 8 months, we went back to the uni for our final year. 3 more semesters. One last push.

Things were the same at first. Everyone came back as different person, different experiences. And we'd gathered at the roti canai stall in the morning and talked about our different stories merrily. We laughed. I thought now that we're together, we won't break up.

Indeed I was wrong. We all came back as different person; yes, but also with new, different circles now. Everyone had made new friends during the internship. So all of us barely hang out together anymore. When they went out, they went out with their new friends. When there's a new cafe opened up, or another karaoke session, or a food festival, we didn't go together anymore.

At first, it felt understandable. I tried to understand. I really tried. Of course everyone is allowed to have other friends. We're not exclusive only to each other.

It was a slight crack at first. I felt left out. Everyone seemed to be hanging out with each other except me. They got inside jokes now. Ones I wouldn't know because "Oh it happened during the internship. You weren't there."

It became more frequent now. They played cards together, hanged out after class together (they took the same major, and unfortunately I took a different major), ate at tomyam restaurant together, went bowling together, went on evening walks together.

I was always the kind of person who kept everything inside. The kind who tried to play it cool cause I hate to be seemed desperate. I hate to be patronized. 

But I was also desperate. Desperate to cling onto this illusion of friendship. That I had to go to class alone now, sat at the farthest end of the row cause the seat they used to save for me was now meant for someone else, ate alone now, cause they all went eating out together and the car's full so there's no extra space for me. I was desperate. I wanted to be in the group. I wanted to be included. 

Mind you, I had my own car. If only they asked me to join, I would've driven on my own.

Every waking day was a horror story. I went to their room, tried to knock, but I heard laughters from the inside. So I hesitated. There were probably more inside jokes and I wouldn't understand, and so I would just ended up sitting down on the floor and tried to feel a part of them but now I know I won't. I would feel like a fool.

One time Lisa invited me to a food fest. I was beyond delighted. We went together; me, Lisa and Anas. We had fun. On the way back, she'd slipped. "I ajak Ainul tapi dia malas. So I dengan Anas pun cam, oh ajak Mimi la." Ainul was another one with a car. I stopped smiling. So they went with me cause they had no other means of transportation. I was the backup option. A Plan B.

Fast forward, we graduated. We gathered up for convocation a few days earlier for a group photoshoot, and to celebrate birthdays for some of us. I thought hard about it. As my last act of goodwill and sentimentals for the friendship that we have or used to have, I printed a photo of us on a final exam day. I gave it to each of them.

Now almost a year later since we finished our study. The group chat went almost dead. If there's any message, I don't read it anymore. I let it be. Someone uploaded photos in the shared album. I no longer care.

During the period of 2 months between our final exam and convocation, I sat with my feelings. I tried to reason with it, tried to defend them, tried to see from their points of view. Tried to see faulth within me.

Was my feelings valid? Were their actions justified?

Why they no longer prefer to hangout with me? Was I a bad friend? Am I not fun to be around?

I came to a conclusion. It doesn't matter if they left me out of group hangouts, inside jokes or shared stories, and all while doing those subconsciously. I know they didn't mean to. But they did anyway. That's the truth.

And I was hurt. Deeply. That's also the truth.

And I also know this: I would never treat others like that. I am the kind of person who always think of other people, always prioritize the others. I lied that I was hungry, even though I wasn't, cause I know my friend was hungry and she wanted to go out to eat but doesn't want to inconvenience me. I said I enjoy driving and don't mind to pick up my friend from the ETS station 20 minutes away, though I actually do mind. I don't want to wash my clothes at the laundromat cause it's freaking expensive and actually prefer to just wash at the campus-provided laundromat but I said yes anyway cause my friend wants to. 

And God, now that I said this you might think I'm stingy and keep bringing up my good deeds but no, I'm not. I don't mind doing all that. I'm happy to be of use to my friends. I'm happy when they need me. I really, truly don't mind going the extra length for others.

So yeah. I don't deserve this kind of treatment. I don't deserve to be left out, whether they meant to or not. I don't deserve feeling like shit, wondering what I did wrong, wondering if I was unfunny or a bad friend. 

And like I said, I know my friends didn't mean to leave me out of the conversations, out of the hangouts. But they did. Again, that's a fact.

Before I come to this conclusion, I thought about it long and hard. I don't want to point fingers at others and turned myself into a victim, but I don't want to invalidate my feelings either. They are valid. They were back then, they still are now. 

Next we come to the title of this post.

I've learnt that maybe this is how people grow apart. Subconsicously - slowly at first, until the last spark went out unnoticed. Until we stop putting in efforts. We stop updating our lives. We stop sharing stories. We stop talking. Now we don't even know our favourite meals, and we don't even wish birthdays anymore.

And it's not done out of contempt or hatred. We just... kinda did. 

None of us really at fault either. They were wrong for excluding me. I was wrong cause I didn't voice out what I feel. 

I'm at peace now. Now I watch their lives unfold through IG stories and Whatsapp statuses. I'm happy they are in happy places; a good job that pays well, good food, and good friends. I will always pray for their best and happiness. They were my friends. Well, they still are. Just no longer my closest friends. 

There was once a time when I used to think we would still talk to each other until we're grey and old, though. Now I'm just glad they were a part of my university memories. Because of them, the years were fun and memorable. I still hope they would invite me to their weddings, though. If they'll still have me.