Bismillah.

[A long overdue post]

How do I start this thing off eh, I wonder. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Mostly it's due to life doing its wonderful work of driving me to the edge of the cliff, had me in chokehold and push me off. I am in my early 20s, but God forbid me having an easy life. My mind couldn't recall the details of how it started, but I remember the feeling of helplessness washed over me every now and then. Even in times I reached out for help, it still hold onto me, like a baby who won't let go of his favourite toy. It comes to me in the morning when I wake up, and hug me at night until I sleep. If this feeling was a person, he'd be my jailer. 

In my earlier days when I was a child, I was one what you could call a golden child. One who got perfect attendance at school not because her parents forced her but due to her own diligence. The one who would raise her hand at the speed of lightning to answer the multiplication questions on the whiteboard. The one who would, even break her neck just to argue with the teacher on some grammatical language disagreement. Yup, I kid you not. I did just that. 

Because I love studying. Loved. 

Studying and being in class and asking questions I don't know and solving maths equations were once my favourite thing to do. Mum told me I used to do a LOT of practice equations at home (aside from schoolwork). Can you imagine that was how I used to be? Oh God. I am laughing hard right now.

Now I find the slightest academical-related thing suffocates me.

How did it go to this?

I hate waking up in the morning, walking to class and listening to lectures and stuffs I don't even understand. It's hard to comprehend how I ended up like this. It's even harder to understand why it is so hard to actually understand all the subjects I took.

There's no counting how many times I've thought about death, really. Academics validation is what I crave, the only thing keeping me afloat and making me feel as if my existence on this planet actually matters. Like I am actually worth all these oxygens and space and time. But when my academics go downhill, with no A's and excellent results to prove it, my mind went berserk. My heart palpitating so wild. I got social anxiety. It feels like everywhere I go, people will look at me in disgust. When I talk to others, I get this these thoughts running in my mind. "Do they like me? Do they think I'm stupid? Do they know my grades? Do they know I always get low scores in test and exams? Do they think I don't deserve to talk to them?"

What if I stay quiet? What if I keep my head low until all I see is ground? Would they be okay? They would then be glad, wouldn't they?

What about my mum? Is she disappointed in me? What does she think of me? An ungrateful, stupid, stone-headed daughter who is struggling in her study? Would she be glad if I die?

No kidding, really. I've looked for places around my university campus; a nice abandoned place for me to die. I don't want a flashy death or people making fuss about it, because then people would realize my existence. I don't want people to talk "oh that girl who died, what is her grade?" "poor girl died because of her low grades.". I don't want people to even know I died. Let my existence cease to oblivion.

I thought the lake near the swamp would be nice. There aren't many people go there especially during the evenings. I could go in there, drown and people probably wouldn't even realize it until, like, 3 weeks. Maybe if my body got eaten by the fish and didn't float, no one would ever know I'm gone.

Sad? Nah, I think it's a good type of death. 

But the lake was shallow. I tried go in there once, and it was real shallow. 

In addition, to die means you need to have the courage. I gathered up all my courage in my bones, but still couldn't get this all over with.

I'm tired. I kept thinking I don't worth anything.

I knew I should've gotten some help so I tried talking to a counsellor. My university counsellor to be precise. She was wonderful and breathe some life back into me. But she went on maternal leave after that so I was left alone again.

"Try talking to your friends," people said that all the time.

You know how hard it is confiding in friends and family? To pour out all your insecurities and lay bare naked. And you can't even trust people. Trust me, I did that my whole life and what do I get in return? Betrayal. They will tell others your darkest secrets, though you literally pleaded them not to. They would call you names behind your back. But it wasn't their fault. It was your fault for believing in them. For being a fool.

I think this is it for now. Thanks for reading all the way down. I always felt it was better to talk to strangers than people I know.