Masayume

Bismillah.

[A long overdue post]

How do I start this thing off eh, I wonder.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Mostly it's due to life doing its wonderful work of driving me to the edge of the cliff, had me in chokehold and push me off. I am in my early 20s, but God forbid me having an easy life. My mind couldn't recall the details of how it started, but I remember the feeling of helplessness washed over me every now and then. Even in times I reached out for help, it still hold onto me, like a baby who won't let go of his favourite toy. It comes to me in the morning when I wake up, and hug me at night until I sleep. If this feeling was a person, he'd be my jailer.

In my earlier days when I was a child, I was one what you could call a golden child. One who got perfect attendance at school not because her parents forced her but due to her own diligence. The one who would raise her hand at the speed of lightning to answer the multiplication questions on the whiteboard. The one who would, even break her neck just to argue with the teacher on some grammatical language disagreement. Yup, I kid you not. I did just that.

Because I love studying. Loved.

Studying and being in class and asking questions I don't know and solving maths equations were once my favourite thing to do. Mum told me I used to do a LOT of practice equations at home (aside from schoolwork). Can you imagine that was how I used to be? Oh God. I am laughing hard right now.

Now I find the slightest academical-related thing suffocates me.

How did it go to this?

I hate waking up in the morning, walking to class and listening to lectures and stuffs I don't even understand. It's hard to comprehend how I ended up like this. It's even harder to understand why it is so hard to actually understand all the subjects I took.

There's no counting how many times I've thought about death, really. Academics validation is what I crave, the only thing keeping me afloat and making me feel as if my existence on this planet actually matters. Like I am actually worth all these oxygens and space and time. But when my academics go downhill, with no A's and excellent results to prove it, my mind went berserk. My heart palpitating so wild. I got social anxiety. It feels like everywhere I go, people will look at me in disgust. When I talk to others, I get this these thoughts running in my mind. "Do they like me? Do they think I'm stupid? Do they know my grades? Do they know I always get low scores in test and exams? Do they think I don't deserve to talk to them?"

What if I stay quiet? What if I keep my head low until all I see is ground? Would they be okay? They would then be glad, wouldn't they?

What about my mum? Is she disappointed in me? What does she think of me? An ungrateful, stupid, stone-headed daughter who is struggling in her study? Would she be glad if I die?

No kidding, really. I've looked for places around my university campus; a nice abandoned place for me to die. I don't want a flashy death or people making fuss about it, because then people would realize my existence. I don't want people to talk "oh that girl who died, what is her grade?" "poor girl died because of her low grades.". I don't want people to even know I died. Let my existence cease to oblivion.

I thought the lake near the swamp would be nice. There aren't many people go there especially during the evenings. I could go in there, drown and people probably wouldn't even realize it until, like, 3 weeks. Maybe if my body got eaten by the fish and didn't float, no one would ever know I'm gone.

Sad? Nah, I think it's a good type of death.

But the lake was shallow. I tried go in there once, and it was real shallow.

In addition, to die means you need to have the courage. I gathered up all my courage in my bones, but still couldn't get this all over with.

I'm tired. I kept thinking I don't worth anything.

I knew I should've gotten some help so I tried talking to a counsellor. My university counsellor to be precise. She was wonderful and breathe some life back into me. But she went on maternal leave after that so I was left alone again.

"Try talking to your friends," people said that all the time.

You know how hard it is confiding in friends and family? To pour out all your insecurities and lay bare naked. And you can't even trust people. Trust me, I did that my whole life and what do I get in return? Betrayal. They will tell others your darkest secrets, though you literally pleaded them not to. They would call you names behind your back. But it wasn't their fault. It was your fault for believing in them. For being a fool.

I think this is it for now. Thanks for reading all the way down. I always felt it was better to talk to strangers than people I know.

Bismillah.

P18 (for people 18 years old and above only)

Trigger Warning: nudity, graphic, suicide

It was my first time in Mytown Kuala Lumpur the other day, some time around June. My friends and I went there after tiring ourselves out at the Energy Asia 2023 Exhibition in KLCC. Had a fun and wonderful time wandering around and chit-chatting with company executives and picking up the goodies they gave out. The atmosphere was buzzing and lit and full of striking decorations.

Being my usual booknerd, I knew that I just had to visit the Bookexcess store. To my surprise, it was nothing like any of the bookstores I had seen before. It was stunning and perfect, like the way you walk down on the aisle on your wedding day and thought the peony flowers are just rightly placed and in just the right colours.

There was an abundance of books I was dying to buy them all. But hey, girlie here is a broque student therefore only one book is allowed to make it through the counter so I don't have to eat instant noodles for the rest of the month.

From literature and arts, to religions and cultures, to sports and music and crimes and young adults and children books, they have it all. It was truly spectacular!

It was truly difficult to choose a book that fits my liking at that particular moment. Alas, I did pick up four to five books, read the summary, Googled it up, and finally pick one and put the rest of them back on the shelves.

So I settled for this one book: The Reader by Bernhard Schlink.

It was originally written in German language, then it got famous worldwide and finally translated into various languages; one of them being in English, and one of the copies in my hand. I had long forgotten what charm does this book has over me in the first place that I decided to buy it. But do I regret buying this book? Well, stay tune I guess.

The book was written in three parts, all of them from the point of view of the main character, Michael Berg.

Part One - It started with the flashback of Michael as a 15-year-old boy who felt sick when he was taking a walk around the neighbourhood. He threw up near a building. An older woman helped him, clean his face and the vomit and sent him home. Later, the doctor diagnosed him with hepatitis and he was sick for months. When Michael got better, he bought flowers and went back to the woman's house to thank her. The lady invited him in and asked him to wait outside while she got changed. Through the cracked hole of the door, Michael peeped (like the pervert he is) and got caught by her. He ran away.

A week later, he went there again after he had dreamed perverted dreams and thought perverted thoughts over the lady's body and his sister (yes you read it right. His own sister). Once again, the lady, named Hanna or German name: Frau Schmitz invited him in, had him helped her with her groceries, which somehow, the coal dust ended up covering over his face. Hanna told him to take a bath. Next scene is, what I wouldn't prefer to write, but I had to in order to get my points across. They made love and their love affair started from there.

Michael would go to Hanna's house almost everyday, their routine would always almost stayed the same. He would read her books, bathed together and made love. Mind you, Hanna was 36 years old meanwhile Michael was 15 years old. Their affair went on and on without anyone knowing, until Hanna left the neighbourhood later.

Part Two - Michael became a law student. He met Hanna again, this time, him as a law student attending a trial seminar as audience and Hanna as one of the defendants guilty of the death of women prisoners in the recent fire. The time settings was set after the World War II, when people who conspired against the Jews were deemed guilty. The crime Hanna was accused of was letting tens of Jewish women camp prisoners burnt to death in a locked church building. She worked as the camp guard along with a few other defendants. Questions after questions were asked, judges throwing nasty glances, evidences were presented, the defendants pointing fingers at each other.

One of the scenes that piqued my interest and managed to keep me reading was the scene when the prosecutor asked the defendants why they didn't unlock the door when the church started burning down. There were a lot of different answers given, but Hanna's was that they had no alternative. People were hurt badly, screaming and crying in pain. Some of the people-in-charge were sent to hospital while some of them already flocked away from the scene. Her justification was unlocking the door would only bring more chaos.

At the end of the second part, the decision was made. Hanna was sentenced to life while the other defendants got many years in jail.

Part Three - After the trial, Michael continued his life as usual. He married his girlfriend, blessed with a daughter, and later got divorced. He sent Hanna recorded tapes of him reading books. In the later years, Hanna finally learnt to write. On her 18th year of serving sentences, Hanna's appeal was approved. The jail warden wrote to Michael about it, as he was the only contact Hanna got from the outside world. The warden asked him to visit her, which he only did a week before Hanna's release. When he met her, long gone the beauty he once loved. What was left in front of him was Hanna in the face of older woman, with wrinkles and crinkles. Slightly fat body and unalluring clothes. Hanna greeted him with excitement lit up on her face, to which he didn't give back the same excitement.

A day before the release, they talked over the phone. Their conversation was short. Michael realized the youth in her voice stayed the same. And the next day, on her release, Hanna hanged herself. Michael went to her cell, as requested by the warden, picked up her stuff and money she left as a will. In her will, the mention of Michael was kept short. Instead, she requested him to give the money to the daughter who survived the fire. He did it a year later, though the daughter refused the money and asked him to donate to any charity organizations instead. He did, to the Jewish Against the Illiteracy Organization. They sent a thank-you letter under the name Hanna Schmitz. The book finally ended with:

With the letter in my pocket, I drove to the cemetery, to Hanna's grave. It was the first and only time I stood there.

I almost DNF'ed the book at the first part. Being a conservative myself, I don't find it interesting to read an illicit, sexual grooming affair between a fully grown woman and a teenager. Call it love or whatever, but I call it grooming and pedophilic. Both of them knew it was wrong. It was not love. I become more convinced about this later in the book. A lot of instances were proven in Michael's relationships as he had difficulties to make them work due to his 'love' for Hanna. He also mentioned how alluring the way Hanna put on socks so he asked his girlfriends to do the same but none of them make him felt the way Hanna did.

The second part was interesting. That was enough to kept my attention. There were a lot of questions arose, self-principles being challenged, and hard truths that knock my head like a solid stone.

When Michael went to see the nearest concentration camp, he hitched a truck on the way. The driver asked his purpose. He told his story and why he couldn't understand what Hanna did. He wanted answers. The driver replied as above image.

During one of the trials, questions arose on which of the defendants wrote the report. Hanna defended herself but no one believed. The judges agreed that everyone should write and they would call over a handwriting specialist to analyze over it. Hearing this, Hanna immediately admitted it was her doing.

Michael didn't realize this at first. When he went back to his dorm and pondered, he realized that Hanna was illiterate and in fact, couldn't read nor write. This thought occured to him after he remembered an old memory from Part One, one which he left Hanna in the morning of their holiday with a note, saying he went out for a while to buy her flowers, only later to come back to find Hanna was crying madly. The note he left on the table was nowhere to be seen. It was weird that the note suddenly gone but he didn't think much of it until later.

I think about this ocassionally. What was Hanna's reason for not admitting she couldn't write? If she admitted it, her sentences would be much lighter. Is being illiterate that much of a shame? Or was it that she wanted to appear pretty and perfect in front of her lover, that she was willing to give up her freedom? If she admitted it, yeah it would probably bring shame, but hey, long-term-wise, she had her chances at life.

I tried to find an instance of my life that I might rationale her behaviour but I couldn't. Even to this day, I still don't understand her.

What I like:

I like the second part of the book, especially. It throws a lot of questions which sometimes we do not realize. What responsibilities fall for the post-war Germany generations, with the knowledge that their ancestors annihilate entire race out of hatred? And what became of those who were camp guards/commanders/army? What were they thinking when they accepted the job? I'd like the answer from the truck driver in particular, which he said "The executioners don't execute because they hate or because it is their jobs. It is only a matter of indifference. It does not matter to them whether someone died or burned to death. They would probably be thinking which football team is gonna score tonight while the prisoners screamed for help.

I love the ending. I think Hanna's death is important for Michael to move on with his life. He was able to move forward, no longer chasing Hanna's shadows and reminded of her love.

Also, the scene during Michael's visit to the prison, was what made him realized his love for her is almost superficial. He loves her for her beauty, her smell, her figure. With all of that gone during her long years in the jail, he almost couldn't recognize her.

Another thing that I like about this book is the writing style. In Part One, as it is written in the flashback of a 15-year-old Michael, the writing style was simple, almost childish. But you can feel the changing of the style in Part Two and Part Three, where more complicated stuffs and words were used.

I also loved how the author didn't put much focus on the side characters. He mainly focus on Michael and his POV to find the answers to the questions. If there was too much spotlight on the background characters, it would probably be very messy and unlikable.

What I don't like:

The first part of the book, of course. Though I do realize the importance of Michale and Hanna's relationships in the book development, however I fail to understand the reason for them to have sexual relationships. Why can't they be mentor and mentee? Or teacher and a student? Or maybe just an older lady who bakes him cookies whenever he got sad.

This exact section of the book, to me, almost felt estranged and forced. Probably did it as fan service to attract readers all over the world.

I don't really like how we never got to read from Hanna's side. Was she truly in love with a kid two decades younger than her? What does she feel when she let the prisoners burnt to death? In my opinion, having to read this book all over again from Hanna's POV would feel right and just. Only then I can know what she was thinking when she refused to let people know she was illiterate.

All in all, I do like this book. 3/5 stars. I likeee the book, but not too much that it would be in my top 5 books, but enough to give it 3 stars. The book was too heavy for reading (or probably I was stupid). Too much questions, but no concrete answers. I felt like the author also don't have the answers to the questions. But just enjoy the plot, the storyline, and you'll be fine. The other reviews I read online said that this book put focus on the WWII, but it doesn't seem like that to me. Probably it was a mistake to read the online reviews first before reading it myself, because I seem to put some kind of expectation while reading (which is absurd).

Do I recommend it? Nah. Probably go read other books while you can. But if you wanna pick it up, why not ehhe.

Anyways thank you for reading my longggg post!

Bismillah.

Haritu ada PBAKL, tapi aku tak pergi. Aku sebenarnya nak sangatttt pergi tapi duit tak mengizinkan (crying as a broque gurl). So I spent my weekend watching live tiktoks and scrolling em PBAKL tiktok videos. Besides finishing up my assignments, of course.

Tapi Yumna (one of my gals) pergi, and she bought a total of 14 books! I was like, GURL YOU HAD MONEY?? Never knew her daddy's rich as heck so now I promise myself I am gon be a better friend to her (^^ yumna if you're reading this, can i know if ur bro's single?)

Aku pergi lah kat bilik dia, lepak-lepak jap, sambil-sambil browsing through her book haul. Dan ada satu buku yang menarik perhatian aku, iaitu buku Letters to the Lost.

Buku ni menceritakan tentang dua remaja, Juliet dan Declan who each lost their family member. Untuk mengatasi kesedihan, Juliet meninggalkan surat demi surat di kubur ibunya. Declan pula sedang menjalani hukuman community service atas kesalahan juvana membersihkan kawasan perkuburan. Suatu hari, dia terjumpa surat yang ditinggalkan Juliet. Bermula daripada situ, mereka saling berbalas surat secara anonymous.

It is indeed a beautiful story about grieving. How people cope with sadness after being left by their loved ones. How to deal with the trauma.

It is a good book for people who got left.

Relating to coping with death, I also lost my grandmother, but she is not like my direct grandmother. She is my grandmother's sister in law. I was practically raised by her because my parents sometimes too busy putting food on the table. If you ask me, she would be the number one person I love the most in this world.

That's why I totally can relate to both Declan and Juliet. The self-blaming, guilt, regret and all waves of negative emotions keep washing over you and there's nothing you can do. Declan thought he contributed to killing his sister. He keeps thinking on "what if" and "if only i had done that". And he thought his mother hated him because of that. Due to his self-blaming, he wanted to kill himself. He shut himself off from the rest of the world, even including his best friend, Rev. He put up a brave face, pretends he doesn't give a shit about people.

Meanwhile Juliet is different in some way. She also thinks she plays a part in her mother's death. Her mother works as a photographer. After her death, Juliet couldn't even touch a camera anymore. She even drops out of photography class, which is her favourite. That is her way of grieving.

I understood Declan, but I somehow cannot seem to find a common ground with Juliet. I don't understand why she couldn't take pictures. WHY CANNOT YOU TOUCH YOUR MOTHER'S FAVOURITE THINGS? Cause if it was me, I'd sleep and bathe and eat with a Nikon camera by my side. And even if I cried, I'll be sure to cry while hugging the camera.

But yup, that is the thing about empathy. Even if there are times when you couldn't wrap your head around it, you have to nod and walk it off.

I love how the whole process of grieving and letting go of a person's death and moving on from the past is beautifully captured in this book. Both Juliet and Declan struggle with this, and unintentionally hurt themselves and people around them. Their friends, their families. They all care for them and wanting to help them, but what much help can be if they don't want any help?

Declan was never described as handsome in the book. But Juliet thinks he is a confrontational person, and his features are perfect. (Welp, that's what happens when you're in love^^)

Overall, I truly recommend this for everyone. A great 4 stars book from me :)) [no-sidebar]

Masayume

Total Pageviews

About me

Follow Me

My Followers

Labels

chatbox

#ISupportPalestine

recent posts

Most Popular

Blog Archive

fav blog