Masayume

When I first started out in pre-uni, fresh out of high school, 18 and full of vigor, I met the first few people who would soon become my best friends throughout my university journey.

I was the earliest to arrive at the block. I still remember it. Block V4E. September 2020. Some of them I already had exchanged messages with. Apparently as fate had it, we joined the same online seminar held for post-SPM students. I remember the excitement I had when I found out our dorms are near to each other.

Corner room. Level 2. It was probably slightly after Zuhur when my family reached the place. We travelled all the way from Terengganu to Perak, carrying hopes and big dreams (other than the mountains of my stuffs). After they left, I was all alone. My roommate hadn't arrived yet, and neither the rest of the people in the other rooms.

Lisa was the next to arrive. Her room was next to mine, I think. I knocked on the door, eager to say hi. My first impression - such a pretty girl.

The rest of my friends arrived a little later. We clicked instantly. At first, our group was small. 7 people, then 8, then it soon becomes 10 and 12 as our degree progressed.

We had our internships in our third year. Everyone separated. Some underwent internship at Melaka, some in KL, some others in Pahang. But all of them had at least one other person at the same company so they were never truly alone. Me personally, I went for a research internship abroad, away from everyone, the furthest. The only one in the group.

At first we kept in touch. Sent selfies. Asked questions. Updated our lives.

Then the group chat slowly went quiet. Notifications hardly popped up.

After 8 months, we went back to the uni for our final year. 3 more semesters. One last push.

Things were the same at first. Everyone came back as different person, different experiences. And we'd gathered at the roti canai stall in the morning and talked about our different stories merrily. We laughed. I thought now that we're together, we won't break up.

Indeed I was wrong. We all came back as different person; yes, but also with new, different circles now. Everyone had made new friends during the internship. So all of us barely hang out together anymore. When they went out, they went out with their new friends. When there's a new cafe opened up, or another karaoke session, or a food festival, we didn't go together anymore.

At first, it felt understandable. I tried to understand. I really tried. Of course everyone is allowed to have other friends. We're not exclusive only to each other.

It was a slight crack at first. I felt left out. Everyone seemed to be hanging out with each other except me. They got inside jokes now. Ones I wouldn't know because "Oh it happened during the internship. You weren't there."

It became more frequent now. They played cards together, hanged out after class together (they took the same major, and unfortunately I took a different major), ate at tomyam restaurant together, went bowling together, went on evening walks together.

I was always the kind of person who kept everything inside. The kind who tried to play it cool cause I hate to be seemed desperate. I hate to be patronized.

But I was also desperate. Desperate to cling onto this illusion of friendship. That I had to go to class alone now, sat at the farthest end of the row cause the seat they used to save for me was now meant for someone else, ate alone now, cause they all went eating out together and the car's full so there's no extra space for me. I was desperate. I wanted to be in the group. I wanted to be included.

Mind you, I had my own car. If only they asked me to join, I would've driven on my own.

Every waking day was a horror story. I went to their room, tried to knock, but I heard laughters from the inside. So I hesitated. There were probably more inside jokes and I wouldn't understand, and so I would just ended up sitting down on the floor and tried to feel a part of them but now I know I won't. I would feel like a fool.

One time Lisa invited me to a food fest. I was beyond delighted. We went together; me, Lisa and Anas. We had fun. On the way back, she'd slipped. "I ajak Ainul tapi dia malas. So I dengan Anas pun cam, oh ajak Mimi la." Ainul was another one with a car. I stopped smiling. So they went with me cause they had no other means of transportation. I was the backup option. A Plan B.

Fast forward, we graduated. We gathered up for convocation a few days earlier for a group photoshoot, and to celebrate birthdays for some of us. I thought hard about it. As my last act of goodwill and sentimentals for the friendship that we have or used to have, I printed a photo of us on a final exam day. I gave it to each of them.

Now almost a year later since we finished our study. The group chat went almost dead. If there's any message, I don't read it anymore. I let it be. Someone uploaded photos in the shared album. I no longer care.

During the period of 2 months between our final exam and convocation, I sat with my feelings. I tried to reason with it, tried to defend them, tried to see from their points of view. Tried to see faulth within me.

Was my feelings valid? Were their actions justified?

Why they no longer prefer to hangout with me? Was I a bad friend? Am I not fun to be around?

I came to a conclusion. It doesn't matter if they left me out of group hangouts, inside jokes or shared stories, and all while doing those subconsciously. I know they didn't mean to. But they did anyway. That's the truth.

And I was hurt. Deeply. That's also the truth.

And I also know this: I would never treat others like that. I am the kind of person who always think of other people, always prioritize the others. I lied that I was hungry, even though I wasn't, cause I know my friend was hungry and she wanted to go out to eat but doesn't want to inconvenience me. I said I enjoy driving and don't mind to pick up my friend from the ETS station 20 minutes away, though I actually do mind. I don't want to wash my clothes at the laundromat cause it's freaking expensive and actually prefer to just wash at the campus-provided laundromat but I said yes anyway cause my friend wants to.

And God, now that I said this you might think I'm stingy and keep bringing up my good deeds but no, I'm not. I don't mind doing all that. I'm happy to be of use to my friends. I'm happy when they need me. I really, truly don't mind going the extra length for others.

So yeah. I don't deserve this kind of treatment. I don't deserve to be left out, whether they meant to or not. I don't deserve feeling like shit, wondering what I did wrong, wondering if I was unfunny or a bad friend.

And like I said, I know my friends didn't mean to leave me out of the conversations, out of the hangouts. But they did. Again, that's a fact.

Before I come to this conclusion, I thought about it long and hard. I don't want to point fingers at others and turned myself into a victim, but I don't want to invalidate my feelings either. They are valid. They were back then, they still are now.

Next we come to the title of this post.

I've learnt that maybe this is how people grow apart. Subconsicously - slowly at first, until the last spark went out unnoticed. Until we stop putting in efforts. We stop updating our lives. We stop sharing stories. We stop talking. Now we don't even know our favourite meals, and we don't even wish birthdays anymore.

And it's not done out of contempt or hatred. We just... kinda did.

None of us really at fault either. They were wrong for excluding me. I was wrong cause I didn't voice out what I feel.

I'm at peace now. Now I watch their lives unfold through IG stories and Whatsapp statuses. I'm happy they are in happy places; a good job that pays well, good food, and good friends. I will always pray for their best and happiness. They were my friends. Well, they still are. Just no longer my closest friends.

There was once a time when I used to think we would still talk to each other until we're grey and old, though. Now I'm just glad they were a part of my university memories. Because of them, the years were fun and memorable. I still hope they would invite me to their weddings, though. If they'll still have me.

[might contain spoiler]

Theme: Classics, Young Adult, Coming-of-age

First published in 1951

The Catcher in the Rye tells the story of Holden Caulfield, a teenage boy who got himself sacked out of school after flunking four subjects. Christmas vacation wasn't due in a few days, and he didn't feel like telling his parents anyway, so he packed his bags and wandered around the New York city. This story entails his thoughts and the people he met in the span of the few nights; his teacher Mr Spencer, a classmate's mother on the train, girls in the club, a prostitute, his old friend Sally, a senior at his old school Carl Luce, his little sister Phoebe, and Mr Antolini.

Personal thoughts:

It was very boring, to be honest. I bought a copy from a gal on Threads for cheap and I didn't even know what it was about. But I've heard of the title, and it's a famous book, so I thought "why not give it a try". Fair to say I don't like the story. It was too plain to my liking.

To start off, I think the writing prose is fine. It's written in the post-WWII era therefore the language is easy to understand. None of those poetic and formal dialogues stuff. A lot of slangs were used, too. As this is written in the POV of a teenager, I can say the writer did a good job in capturing the essence of a teenager's mind; fiery but scared, wanting to look cool, slightly nerdy and his thoughts an array of scattered contradictions.

As I said, the story is too plain and this is clearly a matter of preference, I must say. I had always enjoyed books with climactic and dramatic stories with a good plot twist and a little spilt blood here and there. Books where they always had something going on every page.

But there are good bits of this book that I actually like. I love learning new words and slangs they used. Some of the peculiar ones I found in particular:

dough -> a slang for money, existed since early 1900s.

crook -> thieves, con artist, dishonest people

undertaking parlors -> funeral homes

horsing around -> fooling around, behaving in a silly way

can -> slang for toilet/bathroom

sock/take a sock -> hit, punch

flit -> gay

cold as a witch's teat

About Holden, I think of him as an immature boy, slightly in the average social teenage class; not too nerdy and definitely not hot, thinks everyone else is a phony, full of contradictions; he said one thing and did another, acting all tough but in reality he's just a lonely guy. He had two older brothers; one is alive and well writing scripts for Hollywood, another is dead, and a younger sister Phoebe whom he adored a lot.

Addressing other claims about the book:

I've seen a lot of reviews saying this book is revolutionary and rebellious, and I personally DO NOT understand which part of it is revolutionary lol. People saying they are "blown away" and that the only good thing in their life is that they read this book......... bro bffr

Some says it's philosophical-ish how Holden represent every other child in this world who got betrayed by authorities and adults and learning how to take his steps in this cruel world, all while carrying the grief of losing his brother.

I mean......... this is where I said it's really a matter of people's preferences. Because wdym it's philosophical..... It's really just a story about Holden. Stop reading too much into it lol. This kinda reminds me of that joke where we would learn poems in English class and the teacher said "look at the first line 'the sky is blue'. blue here means the poet's sorrow of his wife's death" all the while what the poet actually meant by 'the sky is blue' is probably that 'the sky is blue'.

The book had previously been banned and restricted in America due to its references to sexual exploration, swear words, promoting bad behaviour (smoking, drinking), contained anti-authoritarian motives and mental health exploration.

How do one decide to ban a book? Is this common in America or other parts of the world too? I honestly can't imagine banning this book. There are other books you should ban, had you think if it's 'too woke'. But this? This is the opposite of whatever the reason.

Sexual exploration? The book only mentions Holden wanted to have sex, but chickened out soon after. It doesn't even contain explicit scenes. Swear words? The worst he said was 'bastard' if that's even an insult. But I getddit, the 50s were different. The anti-authoritarian part? Laughable. No one who read the book would suddenly declare a war with the government. Wouldn't even cross their mind. Mental health exploration? Not really. It was insinuated that he was grieving his brother's death, but that's as far as it is. But okay, I will concur on this one.

All in all, I think a specific audience would enjoy this book. I wouldn't say it's a bad book. Nope, just bad for me. And if you're thinking of reading, ummmmmmm I would say......... a BIG NO LOL. There are better books out there.

Bismillah.

I know it's already the end of February, but you know what they said >,< it's better late than nevahhhhh

Let's do my 2025 reading wrapped!

In 2025, my goal was to read a total of 31 books, and it had to have at least one non-fiction book. And I did it! Yeayy!!

I have been enjoying reading books since I was 5, and back in primary school, I was wholly devoted to my buku NILAM. Literally won't go anywhere without it. I loved the ritual of excitedly finishing a book and having a sense of pride seeing the pages all filled up (yes I'm a nerd like that). However as I grew into my teenage years and adulthood, I sort of forgot the introspective action of documenting your reads and jotting down your inner thoughts. It's honestly such a good way to not only remember what kind of books you've read, but also to understand yourself and build your own character and mind.

Since around 2021 or so, I started tracking my reading again, cause I felt like I wasn't reading much and my love for books faded a bit. Sometimes, I stayed consistent with all the trackings. Some other times, and perhaps most of the times, I forgot about this hobby of mine and drifted away lolll.

Anyway, 2025 was the year I actually stayed trulllyyyy on track. Well, I got strayed some mid-year, but I managed to achieve the target nonetheless!

To get down to it, let's start with my best and worst read of the year:

I honestly never have read anything as complete as The Woman Destroyed. I really ought to make a separate post about this book, but if you're curious, it is comprised of 3 short stories about womanhood. The first one, a woman and her husband in their 60s, narrated in her POV, as they faced the challenging phase of parenthood; their son having a different opinion from them, and how she felt like her husband no longer loves her. The second story is called The Monologue but I dislike it so much so let's not bother about it. The last short story, The Woman Destroyed, is about the wife being cheated on by her husband. She allows him to continue the affair, clinging to the comfort of self-deception, telling herself that 'he will return to her'. Eventually, the affair consumes her being and sense of self and she ended up.... a wreck. Her story is not a pitiful one, I gather, but rather a tragic portrait of what happens when we abandon our own clarity and self-respect for the illusion of love.

Meanwhile we have The Housemaid is Watching as my worst read. It is the final installment in The Housemaid trilogy. It was soooo baddddd everything felt like they have no idea what they are doing and just put pieces and bits together and pray to God it's be okay. It was not.

My most read authors! I have always known Agatha Christie, but I had never read her works until last year. They are brilliant.

To summarize quickly my reading journey in 2025:

For this year, my reading goal is:

1) To read 35 books including non-fiction.

Why 35? It's just a random number. I thought we should always strive to be better when determining our goals, so ideally the number should be above 31. 32 felt such a lazy goal. I have to be much, much better than that. But it also has to stay realistic so I settle with 35.

2) To read more diverse genre

As I realize I stick way too much to detective books, the only way for me to actually grow is to leave my comfort zone. I'm thinking of trying books in the genres I dreaded: classics, fantasy and sci-fi. Let's see how it's gonna turn out.

3) To read books from at least 5 different countries

When I read The Bastard of Istanbul last year, it made me ashamed to how oblivious I was to the histories and cultures of people all over the world. This was the book that made me goes "oh wow I never knew I was this shallow" in regards to my shallow thinking of the order of this world.

For instance, did you know that the Ottoman Empire convicted the act of genocide against Armenian peple in 1915-1917? Over 1,000,000 Armenian people were deported out of their homes and sent on death marches to the Syrian desert. And yet, the Turkish government dares to deny this to this day.

That's all for my reading goals 2026. I didn't wanna be unrealistic and set too much goals and sub-goals and whatever, so I hope I manage to achieve it this year.

[opinions might differ in a span of a month or so lol]

I finished my degree last August, and had taken two part time jobs during the two months gap between August and October, when we had our convocation. The main motivation in working jobs and getting up so freaking early in the morning was due to my convocation fees and other miscellanous fees (photographer, makeups, outfits, shoes etc). I didn't ask money from my parents cause I feel like, this is my day, and I want it to be perfect, and I want it to be my own money.

The uni charged us RM300, hat and gown and 2 pictures included. Bloody ridiculous, i'd say. But what else do you expect from a private uni? The pictures turned out holy beautiful, and i look like an influencer typa face, so i'd say it was money well-spent. I would LOVEEE to share the picture here but in this era of digital perverts and AI? Um no thanks.

But now that convocation's over, I have no motivation in earning money, and hence, I've been sleeping lazily at home in the last.... 2 and a half months.... seriously, i woke up late, cooked rice (the rice cooker did the job, actually), watched some movie, opened the linkedin, saw two people posted new achievements, smashed the laptop to the wall, take a before-asar typa nap, wake up and pray asar, went outside, help sweep the yard or sth, feed the cats, after isyak it's family movie time then play tiktok until i fell asleep.

Anyway, back to the original topic.

What do I feel about being jobless you ask? Honestly, it wasn't all that bad, if we're being real here. Minus the wealthy fat bank acc, ofc. But unless you're a shopping addict, you'll be fine. Take a look at me for instance. When was the last time I bought something online?................. okay, last week, I suppose. (I bought a few preloved books, and yes, I asked for my mom's money.)

I need to put a disclaimer here, that not everyone is the same as me, and therefore everyone else's feelings are valid and that I am very lucky and privileged I come from a family with a stable financial earnings. We are not wealthy; welp, my mom's a retired teacher and dad's a driving instructor (basic salary income). But we make do with whatever we have so it's fine I don't work. I do not put a burden on my parents from me being jobless (or so i'd like to convince myself HAHAHAHHA).

The downside of being jobless: you start to question your worth, debating which was the cause of it? Was it my stupidity that didn't earn me a first-class degree or was it cause I didn't join competitions? Or it's me hi i'm the problem it's me?? (cue taylor swift)

The downside of being jobless: the feeling hits the worst when you open Instagram and LinkedIn :) funny how ironic it is when LinkedIn was supposed to be our go-to site for job hunting, and now I have to bite my tongue watching everyone else—literally everyone else beside me secure a job. That's why I have long since stopped being on Instagram lol. I just keep tiktok and threads and twitter.

Okay okay. Now that I've written it loud and clear, let me clear something up. I am *not* jealous of my friends who have gotten their first job, or second, or wthvr achievements. I don't have hati busuk like that okayyyyy. I'm happyyy for them, but it pains me when I see it cause it reminds me of what I am not - perfect. Please don't say something like "gosh why can't you be happy for them?" bij i am. This is an overcomplicated feeling and it's something you won't understand unless you experience it yourself.

The downside of being jobless: societal pressure. My family doesn't do much pressure, presumably because they've seen me cried before (long story short, uncle jokingly called me out why am i wasting rice at home and it hits me so deeeeeeep in the guts i ran to my room and cried LOLLL I'M SUCH A BABYYYY gosh i hate myself). But people around the neighbourhood? Uncles and aunts??? Babe everytime my uncle comes to visit I fear my stomach is turning inside out.

The downside of being jobless: not having money for travel. (and all the cons of not having your own money)

The slightly less brutal side of being jobless: NO STRESS!!!! NO CRYING LATE AT NIGHT NO NERVOUS SYSTEMS BREAKING DOWN IN CASE I MISSED A DEADLINE OR FORGOTTEN A TASK!!!! BLOODY HELLL THIS IS SOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN BEING A STUDENT. Yall have no idea how blissful it is to waking up each day and not headache-ing myself into solving freaking damn engineering problems, calculus stuff nobody understands except Isaac Newton himself, *cough* Transport Phenomena *cough* (yea i hate this subject, barely pass it), and all those 1001 other things I shuddered just by thinking about it.

God it feels so good to write all em feelings down. Haha.

Anyway, my target is to secure a GOOD JOB WITH REASONABLE SALARY AND GOOD JOBSCOPES before Raya. Cause me being me, i'm scared of judgmental society, so........ by raya, i hope i have gotten a good job offer ^^ please pray for me guyssss (i'm on my knees) (i need every prayer possible)

Till next time, bye!! I'll try to post more stuffs this year hehe :)))) think of it as a digital journaling

Bismillah.

My first corporate job interview was shortly after my final semester ended. The message came to me during final exam season, via Whatsapp. I had been job hunting for around a month then, and a surge of excitement came over me as I got the message. The process had been nerve-wrecking and anxiety-inducing, especially since my relatives kept smiling at me, patting me on the shoulder as they said "Ni grad engineer mesti kerja dengan P***" over the last Raya Haji.

The job position was as a production engineer at a local company in Port Klang. I had mass-applied through various platforms, and this one I had applied at Jobstore. In case you're wondering; yes, it's not a typo, it's Jobstore not Jobstreet.

As I had said, I had been long job hunting by then, and was SUPER EXCITED to get this message. I instantly said yes I can go there physically meet you there at the company no probs yeay :)

Here's the thing: It IS a problem, actually. I just didn't think it through.

JOB HUNTING 101:

1. REQUEST FOR ONLINE INTERVIEW (IF POSSIBLE)

I reside in Terengganu. To go all the way to Klang just for an interview, which, let's be real, I don't even know if I would've gotten it or not, is **ridiculous**. And this is for a local, SME company. I'm not insinuating that smaller companies is low standard or whatever - no i'm not. (though i would love to talk about my opinion on SME vs MNC, but let's leave that for another day, for now)

I'm saying that, as long as we can save money, then why not? By all means, if you have extra money to spend, go ahead.

Here's a rough breakdown of the cost:

Return bus Terengganu-Selangor: ~RM100

Grab: ~RM50 (Port Klang is kinda too far away from public transportation or sth like that)

Food: ~RM30

All in all, it's just too costly. But I did not think it through and just said yes when they asked me to come.

I did learn the hard (and expensive) way. But you don't have to.

Disclaimer: This does not applicable to interview emails CLEARLY stating that it is a face-to-face interview.

JOB HUNTING 101:

2. DRESS YOURSELF PRETTILY (BUT NOT OVER-THE-TOP)

This is very, very important. Make sure your clothes are ironed, formal or semi-formal would do, and wear shoes! For girls, wear makeup. I don't care if you have never touched makeup or what, but for that one day in your life, wear it. Put some lip gloss on, powder your face. A senior once told me, "dress as that the interviewer would fall in love with you". Some might disagree with this, but this is what I hold on to.

You wanna make a good impression? You want them to like you? You want them to hire you? Dress prettily.

"But I want to keep my face natural. They should hire me based on my qualifications."

Girl I hate to break it to you. But they won't hire you just because you're a first-class graduate (which, congratulations!). There are MANY other first-class grads out there. Oh you're a club president? Well so do 3000 other applicants. You won awards both in sports and academics? Yeah they've seen it in 5000 others. You are active in clubs while maintaining dean list every semester? You're not the only one babe.

So what will discern you from the rest of the applicants?
Attractiveness, likability.

Here's the thing. We are humans; me, you, the panels. Humans are bound to be attracted to pretty things, people who can speak eloquently, dress well, who can catch our eyes in the sea of crowds.

But in me saying this, do not be mistaken. Please don't wear revealing clothes (ie: off-shoulders, miniskirts etc) for your interview. LOLL

Wear something different. I read somewhere, a hiring manager remembers a guy in blue blazer, not because he has the most skills, but because he's the only blue one in the throngs of men-in-black. Therefore, colour plays a significant role, too. If possible, try to avoid black (boring!).

JOB HUNTING 101:

3. PREPARE FOR THE QUESTIONS

Study the job requirements. What typa skills do they need? If you have time, practise it first. They might suddenly give you a laptop and ask you to organize the Excel data and give them a visualized dashboard in half an hour.

Practise both general and technical questions. Here comes the benefit of living in artificial intelligence era. My go-to tip is to paste the job requirements in the GPT, and ask them for a "proper, sounds like me" answer. Then, I improvise it to suit my liking.

Some of the questions they **definitely** will ask:

1. Tell me about yourself (Ans: tell about your study background, final year project, internship, and clb activities. Make sure to make it brief)

2. Why do you want to work here? What do you know about this company? (research beforehand!)

3. You studied engineering - why HR? why sales?

4. Tell us about one time you solve a problem.

5. Your weakness and strength.

6. When we decrease the diameter of a pipe, how will it change the flow rate? Which reactor to use for gasification process? [technical question]

7. Let's say you are given a task to design a process system that will take one day to finish. Then suddenly the big boss come to you and give you another task and told you to finish it by today. What will you do? [case study]

Don't ask me for the correct answer, lol i'm not a hiring manager.

Anyway, you must remember: You WILL be nervous, and you WILL stutter; especially if they ask you a question you did not prepare. BUT remember to stay collected, take a breath, and LOOK THEM IN THE EYE. DO NOT FIDGET WITH YOUR HANDS.

If you couldn't muster up your answer on the spot, say "I apologize. Can you repeat the question?" And while they repeat the same thing, force your brain to work on it. You got this! Okay?

Smile firmly! Depending on your facial features, practise your smile! Do not smile showing your teeth all the time, okay? That's creepy and just so weirdddd. Smile firmly, confidently! And occassionally, nod your head as if you understand whatever the heck they are talking about (if you want to, you can ask to improve your understanding).

If the questions asked in English, answer in English. But if they already say "you can speak campur malay english" then go ahead.

You can move your hands up in the air as you talk, but not too much and the gesture must not be big and overdone.

JOB HUNTING 101:

4. ASK THEM QUESTION

Usually, and most of the time, at the end of the session they will say "do you have any question for us?"

Do not be timid. ASK. Oh my God I cannot stress enough the importance of asking them a question. It shows you are proactive, confident, and am not afraid to ask questions (kinda obvious, duh).

My go-to question usually would be "May I know how does the company support the employees' growth and skill development?" - showing that you care, you are serious about career growth, and this will make them *unconsciously* try to appeal to you.

I'm typing this at 1 o'clock in the morning lmaooo. I have an early morning tomorrow so I guess I'll wrap this post here xx

p/s: at the present, I'm still struggling to find a job. Ironic, i know; giving out advices while I'm unemployed lol. But to whoever reading this, please pray for me so that I can land a good job offer (good salary, bearable jobscope, nice boss and colleagues) SOOOOONNNN. I know my blog only has, like, 5 readers, but each prayer counts, right? hehe

I wrote this post as a means to spread awareness about an oral disease I was diagnosed with recently, one yall probably never heard of.

Periodontitis is an inflammation and chronic infection in the gingiva (gum), symptoms include excessive bleeding during brushing and bad breath. It's caused by a specific type of bacteria that proliferates in response to the accumulation of plaque or calculus at the gum-tooth junction, which, over time, leads to progressive destruction of the periodontal supporting tissues and may compromise one or multiple teeth.

In simpler terms: bila makanan terlekat di celah gigi tidak dibersihkan, lama-lama ia akan berkumpul dan seterusnya membentuk karang gigi, dan bakteria akan muncul lalu menyerang gusi menyebabkan keadaan gusi tidak sihat dan sering berdarah.

So here comes the next question....... when did i first start having the symptom?

It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment when it started, but i remember going to a study camp during primary school, and while spitting out my toothpaste foam, there was a tinge of red colour. My friend had looked at me and said, "Ew that's so gross!" I shrugged it off though.

Throughout my teens I occassionally noticed the bleeding while brushing (still shrug it off, duh). And in my early 20s, at a certain point, the bleeding became so frequent that I had to brush my teeth twice or thrice at once, just to get rid of the bleeding and the smell.

This was the point where I thought it wasn't normal anymore. I went to the dentist a few times in the span of the years (yes I know we should do scaling twice a year but that's on me ig), and each time, I'd done scaling and asked the doctor why and what should I do. Their responses were always: "Oh gums bleeding is quite normal. You just need to frequently floss and continue brushing at the bleeding parts regularly". As if I hadn't done just that, LOL.

I do floss, sometimes regularly, sometimes hardly. Consistency is hardly my thing, you know.

Earlier this year, I had been to a dentist in my local neighbourhood to get a consultation on having braces. I thought about it, and I wanna get braces. My teeth are on the protruding side, or what us locals call as 'jongang'.

The consultation went just as usual, and the doctor told me to get an X-ray. For those who don't know, you can get you X-rays at either government hospital (cheap, maybe around RM60-70), or if you want a faster track just go to private clinics. I went for the latter, hella expensive - RM 200 for both lateral and cephalograms.

After getting my X-rays, I went to the clinic once again, this time to do the braces mould and some further assessment. This, still, was fine. The next day I was told to come again, for additional scaling. After scaling, doctor told me he fear that I might not be suitable to wear braces at the moment, as there had been some bone loss around my teeth, and a few sites were quite deep.

"Tulang gigi awak dah turun. Dalam jugak ni, around 6 mm. Selain tu, ada few parts atas bawah kiri kanan yang turun, tapi tak seteruk yang atas kiri."

He went to explain, bila ada karang gigi, gusi akan menjadi tak sihat. Tulang gigi akan turun, dan lubang yang muncul akibat tulang turun akan diisi oleh gusi yang tak sihat tadi. (or something like that. Idk, I'm not the doctor her.e I forget most of the things he said lolll)

But the worst horrible thing he said was that: if I didn't get treatment, my teeth gonna fall out by the age 30

Brooooo I mean, 30 years old???? As in, my prime and beautiful age???? Ngl that scares the hell outta me.

So he referred me to the local periodontitist doctor; the doctor that specialized in periodontital care. This was about one month after. As this time it was done in the government clinic, I had to pay RM20 (expensive because I was referred to from a private clinic. If you are referred to from government clinic, then it will be cheaper).

The doctor assessed me, and it's a good thing I did my X-rays beforehand, because they needed it. They diagnosed me with the periodontitis disease and proceeded to explain very nicely.

They also told me the correct ways to brush teeth- the circular motion method, and told me to focus on the gums and the bleeding parts. I also learned to use the interdental brush.

**the interdental brush comes in many sizes

At the next appointment, they applied the numbing gel around my teeth, injected the antibiotic (pain level: 4/10), then prescribe me with two antibiotic types, and a painkiller. I had to take the medicine for a week, three times a day. By Day 5, he said, the bacteria would die (hopefully). If not, then....... surgery he said........... let's hope it doesn't get to that.....

I have finished all my meds for now, and the next appointment is set in two months. Will keep ya updated.

Overall, I would rate the process 10/10. Smooth, easy and nice doctors. And here's the thing I have learned, if I didn't decide to get braces, then only God knows what's gonna happen to my poor teeth. I was also kinda frustrated that the previous dental clinics I went to were unable to diagnose that. I know all dentists have the same knowledge, but few have the same skills and experiences. I'm afraid that this take might be controversial and you might hate me for it: but not all dentists are equal. It's always ALWAYS good to get a second opinion. (This doesn't necessarily applicable to my case, but it happened to a girl on TikTok, who, btw, recommended the braces dentist to me)

AND!!!! Oh my God this is so important! If you or your kids are experiencing symptoms like I did - bleeding gums while brushing, or bleeding gums just whenever, bad breath - pleaseee PLEASEEEE see a periodontitist specialized doctor, okay? Don't put it off and let it gets worse, fr.

Anyways, please pray I get rid of this disease soooooooner so I can finally get my braces on! Thank you yeorobun, till next time! xoxo

**i didn't put any pictures in this post because I'm too lazy to find it in my phone, but I will do it once I'm diligent enough

**anddddd if you live in Terengganu and want the dental clinic name that I went for the braces, let me knowwww. So far, his was the cheapest compared to others that I had surveyed.

Bismillah.

Title: Earthlings

Author: Sayaka Murata

Translator: Ginny Tapley Takemori

Genre: Contemporary

Published: 2018

Rating: 5 stars

TRIGGER WARNING: mention of sexual assault/gore/abuse/childhood trauma

I loved Convenience Store Woman so much, that I ended up reading another book of Sayaka Murata. The most memorable thing about her books are complicated, twisted characters that you couldn't help but feel drawn to.

**this part might contain spoiler**

In this book, we follow the journey of the narrator, Natsuki since she was 11 years old. She was sexual abused by her teacher, the least liked in her family. She was everything lesser than her older sister. Nothing she did seems right, whether studying hard at school or just being quiet in the house.

Every year, she always look forward to spending the summer in her grandma's house in the mountains of Nagano. Her cousin, Yuu, also mentally abused by his mother after losing his dad, was the only one nice to her. Convinced both of them were aliens stuck on this Earth, they married each other and promised to survive until the next time they see each other again.

Some things happened and after that, Natsuki wasn't allowed to go back to Nagano.

Things didn't get easy when she grew up either. Being an 'alien', it's hard to fit into the human species. People said she needed to get married. So she went on the internet, find a contractual husband and got married. Then soon enough people asked when are you going to have kids?

I was attracted to the cover. Such a cute hedgehog, what harm could it bring? But of course, it wouldn't be Sayaka Murata if the characters are not **slightly not right up in the head**.

The usage of first person POV as the voice of the book was excellent, as it highlights the way Natsuki saw this world. At first I thought this book was just a cute first love/childhood story.... it turns out 360 degrees totally different. Really, whatever expectation you have in mind, it's the opposite of it.

I particularly loved when the reality and fantasy world became intertwined (the teacher scene almost killed my sanity), the distinction faded away, making me question what the hell did i just read, reading the same parts over and over again just to make sure my brain was right.

When trying to fit into the human society was becoming too much, Natsuki, her husband and Yuu went back to Nagano, trying to escape the society. The ending was beyond shocking, and almost too cruel to read. But it was addicting, watching how Natsuki went from an innocent girl with cute imaginary world to an adult who...... well, mentally not right. As it is written in first person POV, as I have mentioned earlier, it was thrilling to listen to her inner voice and her brain.

As for the parts that I don't like about this book............. well, I couldn't think of any. Strong premise, complex characters, excellently written plot, jaw-dropping ending. What more could a reader ask for?

Definitely recommended. Everyone should definitely read this at least once in their life (trigger warning still applied).

Bismillah.

Title: Convenience Store Woman

Author: Sayaka Murata

Synopsis (copied from Goodreads):

Convenience Store Woman is the heartwarming and surprising story of thirty-six-year-old Tokyo resident Keiko Furukura.

Keiko has never fit in, neither in her family, nor in school, but when at the age of eighteen she begins working at the Hiiromachi branch of “Smile Mart,” she finds peace and purpose in her life. In the store, unlike anywhere else, she understands the rules of social interaction―many are laid out line by line in the store’s manual―and she does her best to copy the dress, mannerisms, and speech of her colleagues, playing the part of a “normal” person excellently, more or less. Keiko is very happy, but the people close to her, from her family to her coworkers, increasingly pressure her to find a husband, and to start a proper career, prompting her to take desperate action.

Personal Review [contain spoilers]:

This book tells the dark reality of our society from the perspective of Keiko Furukura. She was a strange one, always the odd one in the world full of 'normal' people. She lived her life by manuals. It wasn't specified in the novel, but it is possible to assume she might be somewhere on the autistic spectrum.

In our society, it would be considered she is weird, she couldn't understand why people buried the dead bird when they could've eaten it instead. She hit the boys in her class with a shovel when other people screamed to stop them fighting so ever since then she kept her mouth shut. She thought it was better that way. Her thoughts and actions didn't seem to align with 'normal' people.

So what did she do? She started to reject herself, forced to keep her mouth shut. No unasked opinions, no thinking at all. Just follow as all the other people do.

There was never a place that makes her feel enough nor wanted until she land herself a part time job at the convenience store. Being a store worker is easy. Just follow the manuals given and she'll be fine. When it's a rainy day, the sandwiches and onigiris sell faster. When it's hot people would want to buy cold drinks so be sure to stock enough of them on the fridge. This was her place. Finally, a place she belongs to. A place anyone wouldn't be able to figure her odd self.

Now, 18 years later, still at the same job, the social pressure started to sink in as she realized store workers are replaceable. If we are 'broken' or considered no longer useful for the store, we would have gotten sacked. She feared her time would soon come.

When she met Shiraha, a lazy, self-victimizing guy who gaslighted her into living rent-free in her apartment, she started receiving compliments from others around her for the first time.

"You got a boyfriend? Finally!"

"I thought it was strange how you never fall in love. I knew you could do it!"

At this point of the story, I was frustrated with her but I know it wasn't her fault. Shiraha was living off her minimum wage. She worked everyday even on the weekend to earn more money for the both of them while that asshole guy slept and watched movies all day.

Of course in real life, you'd seen this type of guy very often. So typical description of what Malays called 'biawak hidup'.

At first, letting Shiraha lived off her and going around telling others that she was finally living with a man, people complimented her and she once again felt safe and fit the society standards. Then, trouble started rolling in as it turned out Shiraha was not only a lazy guy, but he also didn't pay for his previous rent, a narcisstic, lied about their relationship and even looked down on Furukura. I was PISSEDDD because bij, look in the mirror pls.

But of course Furukura didn't mind that guy because in her mind, it was necessary to keep him around for her to fit into the society.

Finally, the final plot of the story, Shiraha told her to resign and find regular jobs that could feed both of them (the audacity???). She did as he told. Since then, she felt like losing her purpose of life. All her life, for 18 years, she dedicated her body and time for the convenience store. She kept her nails short and hair in natural colour. But now she didn't know when is the right time to go to sleep. She only got up from her bed to eat.

When she finally went out after weeks of staying at home for a job interview, she saw a convenience store nearby. She went in, and there it goes: the smell, the tills, the sandwich and bread displays, the fridge. For once, not according to life manual or society standards, she decided for herself, that she wanted to get a job as a store keeper.

The ending was super nice. We saw how pressured she felt as she had to present her 'normal' self in front of others. When she finally broke free from it, I was TEARFUL. I can't believe I was rooting for a fictional character this much.

Rating: 5 STARSS DEFINITELYYY

The writing style is very simple and on point. This was my first time reading Sayaka Murata, and honestly, I love it so much. It fits perfectly with this kind of character, who doesn't think much and only say the necessary stuffs.

I'm looking forward to read more of her works ^^

Recommended? YESSS PLEASE GO READ IT YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED.

Honestly, being an adult is hard. As we went on with the flow of life, sometimes we don't know what path should we take nor if we are doing it correctly. Will people be satisfied if I earn this much? Is it okay if I stay unmarried for the rest of my life? As we get older these questions are unavoidable. We kept questioning ourselves, losing faith in everything. This was the issue the author wanted to address on.

Bismillah.

Kisah cinta antara aku dan motor agak berliku. Aku mula ambil lesen motor selepas SPM, sekaligus dengan lesen kereta. (btw lesen kereta aku manual okey heh). Selesai dapat lesen L, macam biasa, kita akan start belajar litar (02) dan jalan raya (03). Aku datang kelas motor 02 untuk dua hari je, lepas tu aku give up dan berhenti belajar.

Punca aku berhenti ialah kerana aku jatuh motor sampai berdarah lutut T^T. Gila betul. Maklumlah aku memang tak pernah belajar motor sebelum ni. Tahu membonceng kat belakang je. Motor kat institut memandu tu dah berapa banyak dah aku patahkan side mirror haha.

Somehow, dapatkan lesen motor ni memang ada dalam life bucketlist aku. Ni semua gara-gara aku tengok mak aku bawak skuter macam best je pergi mana-mana. Yelah, kalau kereta kena hadap jem. Bawak skuter boleh lalu shortcut, dan tak susah cari parking.

Sebab yang lain ialah aku rasa pandai motor ni merupakan salah satu essential basic skills. Contoh kau bayangkan, kalau ada emergency nak kena hantar anak klinik, kereta masuk bengkel, waktu tu tengah peak hour ke pebenda, then motor la solusi terbaik. Tak gitu?

Okey kita sambung cerita.

So tahun lepas aku start daftar balik lesen motor, tapi bukan kat kampung aku sebab aku dah masuk universiti. Aku daftar di institut memandu berdekatan dengan kampus aku. Aku hadir untuk ceramah motor, buat ujian bertulis dan yadayada dapatlah lesen L (once again). Lepas tu aku kena booking tarikh untuk hadir kelas 02.

On the day yang aku sepatutnya hadir kelas motor, aku TERLAJAK TIDUR. Kelas pukul 8.15, aku bangun pukul 8. Macam gila aku kejutkan member aku suruh hantarkan. Sampai je kat sana dalam pukul 8.30, akak kat kaunter tu dah tak terima. Dia cakap aku lambat datang, dah tutup register dah. Aku geram betul part ni tapi memang salah aku so takleh buat apa.

Selepas dari hari tu, aku keep putting off untuk booking kelas. Sampailah habis sem, kemudian masuk sem baru tak ada progress langsung (masa ni macam tak teringat langsung kat kelas motor), kemudian sem baru lagi sekali barulah aku nak sambung balik. Sebab awal tahun 2024 dah kena pergi intern, so aku fikir lagi bagus kalau pergi kerja dengan motor.

Tapi tak sempat booking kerana aku selalu procrastinate. Sebelum habis sem, aku call ayah aku minta dia daftarkan aku kat institut memandu yang aku pernah pergi tu. Ayah aku kerja kat situ btw, so senang jela proses.

First day aku belajar, aku jatuh kat bulatan. Seluar koyak, lutut berdarah. Memang trauma wei haha. Balik tu aku senyap je sampailah mak aku tanya "okey tak tadi?" Tak cakap banyak, berjurai air mata jantan aku keluar. Tanjat mak aku sebab aku ni mana pernah nangis. Kitonyo tough girl okeyyy.

Hari ketiga aku belajar, aku jatuh lagi. Kena kat lutut yang sama tapi kalini jatuh kat bahagian titi. Yang mana pernah belajar moto tahulah titi dia halus macam liang lahad. Mak aih belum baik lagi luka lama dah berdarah kembali. Punyala dalam luka tu nak dijadikan cerita aku terpaksa solat duduk 3 hari sebab takleh sujud. Hambikkk ko nak sangat belajar motor kann padan muka.

Tapi aku cekalkan hati do. Aku teruskan pergi belajar motor macam biasa. Lama-lama tu aku dah pandai dah bawak motor. Titi 7 saat pun aku boleh buat.

Tibalah hari ujian JPJ. Giliran aku di sesi 1, nombor 11. Gemuruh berdebar cemas semua ada la.

Bila turn aku tiba, aku pun buat CITO (cermin sisi, lampu, hon) macam biasa. First halangan, titi. Naik slow.... BAMMMMMMM!!!!!!!! Aku jatuh motor, motor jatuh atas aku!

Cilakak punya titi. Dahlah sakit satu hal, malu pulak satu hal lagi. Kau bayangkan semuaaaaa orang tengah tengok kau. Haih tak tahu nak letak muka kat mana.

Cikgu lelaki datang tolong aku angkat motor. Masa ni dah berair dah mata aku haha. Dia suruh aku bawak motor pergi buat jalan raya pulak. Jalan raya okey, lulus. Halangan, gagal. Kena repeat.

Masa ni sebenarnya aku dah cuak. Flight aku 3 hari selepas tarikh JPJ yang baru. Kalau aku gagal lagi sekali, memang bye bye jela lesen. Aku terfikir jugak untuk reschedule flight tapi maleh ah.

Macam biasa, sambung belajar bawak motor. Pagi petang langit cerah gelap mendung semua aku dah lalui.

Okey, diringkaskan cerita, Alhamdulillah berjaya jugak aku lulus JPJ dan dapat lesen motor. Bolehlah aku fly dengan senang hati hehe.

Tu jela yang aku nak cerita. Kbye. Next post will probably be about my wholesome wonderful experience in Japan.

Masayume

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