[opinions might differ in a span of a month or so lol]

I finished my degree last August, and had taken two part time jobs during the two months gap between August and October, when we had our convocation. The main motivation in working jobs and getting up so freaking early in the morning was due to my convocation fees and other miscellanous fees (photographer, makeups, outfits, shoes etc). I didn't ask money from my parents cause I feel like, this is my day, and I want it to be perfect, and I want it to be my own money.

The uni charged us RM300, hat and gown and 2 pictures included. Bloody ridiculous, i'd say. But what else do you expect from a private uni? The pictures turned out holy beautiful, and i look like an influencer typa face, so i'd say it was money well-spent. I would LOVEEE to share the picture here but in this era of digital perverts and AI? Um no thanks.

But now that convocation's over, I have no motivation in earning money, and hence, I've been sleeping lazily at home in the last.... 2 and a half months.... seriously, i woke up late, cooked rice (the rice cooker did the job, actually), watched some movie, opened the linkedin, saw two people posted new achievements, smashed the laptop to the wall, take a before-asar typa nap, wake up and pray asar, went outside, help sweep the yard or sth, feed the cats, after isyak it's family movie time then play tiktok until i fell asleep.

Anyway, back to the original topic.

What do I feel about being jobless you ask? Honestly, it wasn't all that bad, if we're being real here. Minus the wealthy fat bank acc, ofc. But unless you're a shopping addict, you'll be fine. Take a look at me for instance. When was the last time I bought something online?................. okay, last week, I suppose. (I bought a few preloved books, and yes, I asked for my mom's money.)

I need to put a disclaimer here, that not everyone is the same as me, and therefore everyone else's feelings are valid and that I am very lucky and privileged I come from a family with a stable financial earnings. We are not wealthy; welp, my mom's a retired teacher and dad's a driving instructor (basic salary income). But we make do with whatever we have so it's fine I don't work. I do not put a burden on my parents from me being jobless (or so i'd like to convince myself HAHAHAHHA).

The downside of being jobless: you start to question your worth, debating which was the cause of it? Was it my stupidity that didn't earn me a first-class degree or was it cause I didn't join competitions? Or it's me hi i'm the problem it's me?? (cue taylor swift)

The downside of being jobless: the feeling hits the worst when you open Instagram and LinkedIn :) funny how ironic it is when LinkedIn was supposed to be our go-to site for job hunting, and now I have to bite my tongue watching everyone else—literally everyone else beside me secure a job. That's why I have long since stopped being on Instagram lol. I just keep tiktok and threads and twitter.

Okay okay. Now that I've written it loud and clear, let me clear something up. I am *not* jealous of my friends who have gotten their first job, or second, or wthvr achievements. I don't have hati busuk like that okayyyyy. I'm happyyy for them, but it pains me when I see it cause it reminds me of what I am not - perfect. Please don't say something like "gosh why can't you be happy for them?" bij i am. This is an overcomplicated feeling and it's something you won't understand unless you experience it yourself.

The downside of being jobless: societal pressure. My family doesn't do much pressure, presumably because they've seen me cried before (long story short, uncle jokingly called me out why am i wasting rice at home and it hits me so deeeeeeep in the guts i ran to my room and cried LOLLL I'M SUCH A BABYYYY gosh i hate myself). But people around the neighbourhood? Uncles and aunts??? Babe everytime my uncle comes to visit I fear my stomach is turning inside out. 

The downside of being jobless: not having money for travel. (and all the cons of not having your own money)

The slightly less brutal side of being jobless: NO STRESS!!!! NO CRYING LATE AT NIGHT NO NERVOUS SYSTEMS BREAKING DOWN IN CASE I MISSED A DEADLINE OR FORGOTTEN A TASK!!!! BLOODY HELLL THIS IS SOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN BEING A STUDENT. Yall have no idea how blissful it is to waking up each day and not headache-ing myself into solving freaking damn engineering problems, calculus stuff nobody understands except Isaac Newton himself, *cough* Transport Phenomena *cough* (yea i hate this subject, barely pass it), and all those 1001 other things I shuddered just by thinking about it.

God it feels so good to write all em feelings down. Haha.

Anyway, my target is to secure a GOOD JOB WITH REASONABLE SALARY AND GOOD JOBSCOPES before Raya. Cause me being me, i'm scared of judgmental society, so........ by raya, i hope i have gotten a good job offer ^^ please pray for me guyssss (i'm on my knees) (i need every prayer possible)

Till next time, bye!! I'll try to post more stuffs this year hehe :)))) think of it as a digital journaling