Bismillah.

I got a confession to make. 

I don't remember since when did i became so anxious and shy around boys. The level of anxiety is just a lil bit too much to bear. I was an easygoing type of person, well, at least, i used to be. Now I don't even know where did that younger me go. 

Since when did this happen? 

This is the question that has kept me awake in my dream for some time now. 

And not just that. I also got scared of asking questions in class, scared of speaking up my opinion for the fear of people. I don't know. This is so confusing. All my life I remember me being so enthusiastic in class, asking every single point I don't understand, arguing on my stand. 

Even to write this, it feels so complicated. Like one long thread tangled to another. To untangle it is hard, the end doesn't seem near. 

I was chosen the secretary for one of the group project this sem. It wasn't because i'm good at it or anything (bcs i'm not even good at secretary-thingy). It's just because the leader asked for name suggestion and my friend said my name without my approval. T^T   Then poof! I'm the secretary. One of the HICOM. High committee. 

When the hicom members went for a meeting, i was the only girl in the group, and trust me, i can't even speak properly!! What I did was only nod, said "i agree", and "yes". I really hated myself at that time, but i just can't for the sake of this anxiety.

Tell me what should i do.

The language barrier doesn't help either. I came from Terengganu, and have lived there my whole life, so i only got myself to blame for not being able to speak in KL dialect. I tried. I swear I tried. But talking in KL informally is just SO HARD.

 At times like this when I fail to like myself, I just hate it. I hate myself, hate people, hate meetings, and my younger self. I didn't know what I did wrong. How did I grow up to be someone I don't even like. 

Swear I don't know what to do. It's just so frustrating.